Mount Athos

2011-02-26T20:28:00.000-06:00

It's been quite a while, but nothing can stop the world-famous, indomitable hattys from springing up once again.

2010 has been dominated by great breadth in the genre, if not depth. One must marvel at filmmakers working in the ample range defined on one side by delicate tiaras in The Black Swan, and on the other by Jeff Bridges' rough stetson in True Grit. These two films were both recognized as nominees, but were held back by the hats presenting a very static character throughout the entire film. The academy hopes to see slightly less wooden performances, where headwear shows signs of growth and exhibits some degree of self-realization.

The next nominee, 127 hours, is the story of a man whose options for removing his baseball hat are severely limited because he can only use one of his hands. A true tragedy, and hat-centric, to be sure, but not quite enough, as the "everyman" characteristics of a simple ballcap worked against this film.

The year also had its set of period pieces whose haberdashery merited a nomination but little else. We saw solid but unspectacular work in Roman Helmetry from both Centurion and The Eagle, and the latest film to farm the aways-fertile british aristocracy for their silly head covering techniques was The Kings Speech. A yeoman's effort, to be sure, but we need to see more.

Which leaves us with our winner, which should hardly come as a surprise at this point: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, which of course features a primary character in a hat that's not only instantly recognizable, but provides him with his name, and perhaps his entire identity. This is, almost by definition, what the academy is looking for, and we are proud to confer our highest honor on this film.

I'm sure, by this point, you've noticed that our winners seem to be getting stronger every year. We'd like to think that The Hattys have focused attention on an important topic that has been long been neglected, and filmmakers have taken notice - if so, we are more than a bit honored. A word of caution, though: there is always room for improvement, a film can always be more hat-centric. 2011 awaits.

2010-09-11T22:30:00.002-05:00

Well look over here, if isn't everyone's favorite CS icon, Don Knuth, showing off as the worlds first sports simulation fan....

In your face, Billy Beane

Also, apparently, he's also gigantic. The wonders never cease.

2010-08-25T19:18:00.001-05:00

Nice work, DPRK

2010-06-04T21:28:00.001-05:00

Today's challenge: explain to me how this exact moment doesn't represent the apogee point in the trajectory of music as an art form.

Oh, that's right, you can't, because it is.

2010-04-24T19:40:00.000-05:00

I dreamed I was applying to work at Apple
Their building was under an apple tree
It sat on a hill overlooking everyone else
All the employees were dressed in trendy clothes
My interviewer spoke in poetry
She also was a witch

Completely true - I actually had this dream last night. Scary-accurate.

2010-03-29T19:22:00.002-05:00

I know this video has been making the rounds recently, but every self respecting computer scientist out there should see this

2010-03-21T17:20:00.003-05:00

It's the 2010 Hatty awards, live from Madison, Wisconsin! And here are your hosts, Abraham Lincoln and Queen Elizabeth I!:

ABE: I'll come right out and say it: 2010 was a year that will live in infamy, at least in regards to to quality of hats in movies.

LIZ: Isn't that FDR's line?

ABE: How do you know about him?

LIZ: How do you?

ABE: Ha-ha! What delightful banter between us two!

LIZ: But in all seriousness, folks, it has been a tough year.

ABE: When I saw this year's entries, I wanted to vomit in my stovepipe!

LIZ: Ha-ha, classic Lincoln!

ABE: I just read the teleprompter.

LIZ: Things would be significantly less dire if Alice in Wonderland, a strong front-runner for 2011, would have been released a few months earlier, but we will have to play the hand we've been dealt.

ABE: Like your father in his search for an heir?

LIZ: Don't go there, rail splitter.

ABE: Here are the nominees:

LIZ: Sherlock Holmes: A panoply of headwear: tophats, bowlers, jockey caps, trilbys - you name it.

ABE: Where the Wild Things Are: The kid had that eared-hoodie thing going on, and was wearing at crown at some point.

LIZ: Inglourious Basterds: An excellent job of showcasing the standard WWII accouterments, while avoiding the dreaded over-helmetification of the genre.

ABE: Watchmen: Rorschach's Fedora was everpresent, and Nite Owl had his Owl Cowl

LIZ: And the winner is ... Where the Wild Things Are, for the sheer audacity of having its protagonist wearing two hats at once.

ABE: Well that about wraps it up - anything to say, Liz?

LIZ: Please, MPAA, stop treating consumers like criminals and re-focus on making high quality, hat-centric movies. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!

ABE: Ah-ha-ha, right back at you! Goodnight folks!

2010-01-04T20:42:00.004-06:00

I've never been, but I'll take their word for it: Carpfest = Fun

http://droppingofthecarp.blogspot.com/

Plus, a heads up: I may soon start using this site as a bit of a travel log, as I'll soon be off to Austraila and New Zealand to see the sights and inquire what the current state of dingo-infant relations is.

2009-09-26T16:08:00.004-05:00

Every year around this time, as Emmy season comes and goes, I'm asked the same question: would I do a hat-driven award for headwear on TV? Well, the answer has been, and will continue to be, "No". And also, "why are you looking at me that way?".

However, this year I thought I'd throw a proverbial bone to you, the reader, and share what I consider to be the most hat-centric hour of tv I've ever witnessed. It's a standard Batman two-part episode arc, as the caped crusader fights a lesser known, hat-themed villain. To pique your interest, here's a picture of Batman using his Anti-mesmerizing Bat-reflector to deflect a beam from the Super Instant Mesmerizer, with disastrous consequences for Robin.

For now, full episodes are available on YouTube:

The Thirteenth Hat (Part 1 2 3)
Batman Stands Pat (Part 1 2 3)

If you know of anything more hat-centric, you know where to find me.

2009-07-23T21:02:00.004-05:00

Move over Jitterbug, I have a new favorite senior-targeted commercial

unfortunately I couldn't find the version I actually saw, where the old lady starts off very sad because she missed her bingo opportunity (bingoppurtunity?) I'm sure you can imagine her devastation, though.

2009-06-04T20:08:00.003-05:00

As hard as it may be to believe, I don't have a particular axe to grind with Microsoft, but once again I've found one of their ads to be stupid enough to drive me into a rare posting:

That's right, Google caused our economy to fail. Youtube is the reason your father lost his job. Picasa is why your kids are fat. But a rebranded MSN search will make it all better.

2009-03-28T13:39:00.003-05:00

Welcome to the 2008 Hatty Awards!

The general consensus (among myself) was that this year was particularly poor for hats in film, and the Hattys almost didn't happen. Luckily, I changed my mind, and after a bit of research, a clear winner emerged out of nowhere. But first, let's talk about this year's remarkably poor field. A sampler of the best picture nominees yields the following:

Frost/Nixon: very few hats. In fact, I was wondering if Nixon ever wore a hat in his life - which quickly led to this definitive answer, thanks to google image search:

Note the "Don't think I'm not going to remember this humiliation" look in his eye

Milk: very few hats.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Being a period piece, probably has its fair share of hats, but gets seriously downgraded because I hate F. Scott Fitzgerald. Listen, Scott, if that IS your real name (which it isn't), I don't care what what the rich losers in West Egg or East Egg or Pigeon Egg or Pigeon Forge are wasting their lives doing. American kids hate American Literature because they're taught you're the best we have to offer. Faulkner is spinning in his grave. And where do you think you're going, Mr. Dickens? You're responsible for this too. Do you know how many times in my life I've wanted to read a book about street urchins? Zero. Jane Austen could write circles around you with one hand tied behind her back. And she just got even better. But I digress. In any case, Benjamin Button is not going to win.

The Reader: Very few hats.

Slumdog Millionaire: Very few hats

You see what I'm up against. In the end, I only found a couple "conventional" movies that were even worth of consideration: The Changeling, because Angelina Jolie seems to be wearing jockey hat through the entire thing, and Doubt, because nuns are pure gold when it comes to headware. But still, I wasn't very happy with the field, so I did a bit of out-of-the-hatbox thinking, and found the gem known as Presto in the overlooked short-film genre. Shockingly enough, I had actually seen it (unlike everything else I review) because it was attached to Wall-E in theaters. And let me say, the film represents just about everything the Hattys stand for. If anything, it might be a bit too perfect; Pixar clearly put this out just to win the award - but I'm a big enough man to allow shameless pandering in my direction. In any case, a hat (or two hats, precisely) is absolutely central to the film's very existence. No hat, no film - it's that simple. So congratulations, Presto, the most hat-centric movie of 2008.

Soon-to-be-DMCA-takedown-noticed video follows:

2009-03-07T20:30:00.007-06:00

Why do I always think of Phony McRingRing whenever I see any of the new Vista ads?

Phoney: Hi, I'm Phoney McRingRing, mascot and president of the
telephone company, and I'm here to explain why the
convenience of one area code in [splice] your town [end
splice] has been replaced by the convenience of two area
codes.
[cut to the audience]
Homer: Uh, I have a question, Phoney.
Lisa: It's a movie, Dad.
Homer: Quiet, honey, Daddy's asking the man a question.
[back to the film]
Phoney: You're probably thinking, "Sure, more area codes are
great, and I don't mind paying the extra hidden fees, but
how will I remember all those numbers?"
[opens a closet door, and a huge wall of numbers comes
tumbling out, burying Phoney] Whoa!
Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can
memorize ten numbers. Are you stupider than a monkey?
[cut to the audience]
Wiggum: How big of a monkey?
[back to the film]
Phoney: [laughs] Of course you're not.

Are you stupider than a 4 year old? Because that's the only reason you could possibly dislike the Vista user expereince.

disclaimer: I recently tried Vista SP1 and it's really not that bad if you have a high end machine and customize the heck out of it - I just dont like ads that insult my intelligence

2009-02-07T13:04:00.013-06:00

Hey, I'm not dead, how about that!

IMG_3847
Originally uploaded by lmf71080

IMG_3844
Originally uploaded by lmf71080

I'm here today because I recently returned from a trip to California* and had to issue a warning to all those thinking about traveling on Northwest in the future. I could talk about how they lost my only checked bag in Minneapolis, but that's a story we've all experienced already. Instead, I have a story from my return layover in Minneapolis (all Northwest flights, like the rest of the world's evils, go through Minneapolis). While waiting at our gate, I was keeping an eye on the video screens arcross the hall because I had noticed one monitor displaying an all-to-familiar BIOS-level message asking for a floppy boot disk. Amused, I kept watching, and a few minutes later all the screens recycled. I imagined a panicked staffer running through the airport corridors with a 3 1/2 floppy. In any case, the reboot must not have fixed the problem, because the prompt was still there afterward, and much to my amusement I saw a another familiar sight, a windows error pop-up bridging two other screens. This one was an error I've seen too often at work (before we moved to Linux), warning that the windows system event log was full. With this peek into the inner working of the Northwest/Minneapolis airport infrastructure fresh in my mind, my earlier lost luggage debacle became more understandable.

I took some pictures for posterity, but I have to apologize for the blurriness, I had to be covert for fear of being dragged off by security. Of course Lisa thought I was crazy for finding humor in this, but I'm used to that by now.

* We rented a Kia Rio to drive around the coast. One of the buttons on the radio was labeled "CAT FOLDER". I am assuming this is for on-the-go commuters who need to fit felines into small spaces, but I could be wrong. In any case, we didn't have a cat with us, so I didn't get to try it out.

2008-11-23T10:54:00.002-06:00

Sorry about the midseason break, I meant to do picks last week but was preoccupied by attending the Bears beatdown last week. Considering the last time I went to Lambeau I saw the Vikings get taken to the woodshed, I think I see a trend here: Lucas Attendance = Packers landslide. Pay attention, Mark Murphy.

CIN at PIT: Nobody cares if I cheat, right? PIT.

PHI at BAL: I could make a "Donovan McNabb overtime" joke here, but instead I'll make fun of Joe Flacco's appearance. You are one gangly guy, Joe. Haw haw. PHI.

BUF at KC: Ok, I want to know who told Trent Edwards he was playing way over his head, because they broke his brain, apparently. BUF.

CHI at STL: As much as I can wish for a Rams win, it ain't gonna happen. CHI.

NYJ at TEN: Seems like a logical spot for the Titans to get their first loss, but I don't see it. TEN.

NE at MIA: Come on Miami, it's time: Ronne Brown = Full Time QB, Chad Pennington = Full Time Receiver. MIA.

MIN at JAC: Lisa and I can actually root together on this one. JAC.

SF at DAL: Dallas didn't win last week, Washington lost. Lets not get ahead of ourselves, Cowboys fans. DAL.

OAK at DEN: Was this a rivalry at some point? Several centuries ago? DEN.

CAR at ATL: No doubt, one of these two teams will win the AFC South (sorry Bucs) CAR.

NYG at ARI: Measuring stick time for the Cards. Let's go with the upset special. ARI.

WAS at SEA: GIDCAOTW. No pick.

IND at SD: The Chargers are on the edge, and Indy actually isn't as good as its record. SD.

GB at NO: A worrisome game, but one that must be won. GB.

2008-11-02T10:52:00.004-06:00

Sorry these are a bit later than usual, I sort of lost track of time last night playing Fable 2...

NYJ at BUF: Thanks a lot Buffalo, you've completely gone in the tank since I called you an AFC favorite. However, I think a certain #4 will help you guys out this week. BUF.

DET at CHI: I almost thought upset special here, but that would go against my #1 all time rule, "Never Pick Detroit in an Upset Special." CHI.

JAC at CIN: We're going to have to do away with the Bengals Implosion Threat Meter, because the implosion has already happened. JAC.

BAL at CLE: I'm just going to stop picking games involving the Browns at this point, it's impossible to get a read on them.

TB at KC: Kansas City, you blew your chance to pick up Fumbles McCulpepper! TB.

HOU at MIN: Ok, here's an upset special I can feel good about. HOU.

ARI at STL: St. Louis certainly has the smoke & mirrors thing going on right now. That isn't necessarily a compliment. STL.

GB at TEN: The titans aren't going to go 16-0, it might as well stop now. GB.

MIA at DEN: The Broncos continue on their merry way to being first round playoff cannon fodder. DEN.

DAL at NYG: Blah blah blah blah Cowboys Cowboys blah Cowboys. Ok, ESPN, I've just shown I meet your criteria for an NFL analyst, give me a job already. NYG.

ATL at OAK: Oh jeez, GIDCAOTW. ATL.

PHI at SEA: Sorry Seahawks fans, last week was just an aberration. Also, Seahawks fans, do you exist? PHI.

NE at IND: Not exactly what you were hoping for when you grabbed this one, huh, NBC? NE.

PIT at WAS: Do the Steelers ever play during the day? PIT.

2008-10-25T20:32:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time since I've done 4-word picks, so let's give it a go...

OAK at BAL: Al Davis is Death. BAL.

ARI at CAR: Sorry, you're both pretenders. CAR.

TB at DAL: In your face, Cowboys. TB.

WAS at DET: No Millen, still bad. WAS.

BUF at MIA: Your new AFC favorite. BUF.

STL at NE: It's been fun, Rams. NE.

SD at NO: New Orleans isn't good. SD.

KC at NYJ: Screw you, Mr. Favre. NYJ.

ATL at PHI: Atlanta returns to earth. PHI.

CLE at JAC: What the hell, Cleveland? JAC.

CIN at HOU: Hey, it's the GIDCAOTW! HOU.

NYG at PIT: Won't meet the hype. NYG.

SEA at SF: Seattle is really terrible. SF.

IND at TEN: Titans clinch AFC south. TEN.

2008-10-18T20:37:00.003-05:00

The Packers are winning again, so I'm picking again...

SD at BUF: Am I crazy for considering Buffalo the AFC championship favorite if they win this game? Yes, probably. SD.

NO at CAR: Someone undeserving is going to win the NFC south again this year, but hey, at least it's not the NFC west. CAR.

MIN at CHI: The Falcons' 11-second drive against Chicago was the greatest Nelsonesque "Haw-haw" moment of the year so far. CHI.

PIT at CIN: Bengals Implosion Threat Level: Neon Pink (near critical mass). PIT.

TEN at KC: At this point, you're looking at Kansas City and wondering to yourself, "how on earth did they get a win this year?" TEN.

BAL at MIA: I think Baltimore has been doing it with smoke and mirrors so far this year, and last week's beatdown by the Colts was just the beginning. MIA.

SF at NYG: I hate to keep harping on J.T. O'Sullivan, but it's just too easy to pass up. I don't like his chances against the Giants' blitz packages. NYG.

DAL at STL: Just sit down and take your medicine like a man, Jerry Jones. DAL.

DET at HOU: Do you remember the draft a few years ago where everyone in the media absolutely loved Matt Millen's picks of Roy Williams and Kevin Jones, 1-2? A+ "grades" across the board. I don't think I have to say anything more. HOU.

IND at GB: Bad Peyton, I really need you to show up for this one. GB.

NYJ at OAK: Speaking of the media, how much of a froth do you think they'll work up this week after Favre destroys the hopeless Raiders and leads the big-market Jets to a *gasp* winning record? NYJ.

CLE at WAS: This game wins the award for "best matchup of hard-to-assess teams with non-distinctive color palettes" CLE. Upset special.

SEA at TB: Having fun in your lame-duck season, Mr. Holmgren? TB.

DEN at NE: The matchup of the two coaches I hate the most. Denver's not good, but the Patriots seem to be worse than anyone thought possible. DEN.

2008-10-11T20:36:00.002-05:00

Sorry folks, no picks this week. Once again, forces have conspired to down the Badgers, Brewers, Packers, and (soon) Bucks, causing me to avert my eyes from the train wreck that is Wisconsin sports right now. Plus I've just finished about ten consecutive hours of painting our basement, and I want to lie down for a few weeks now.

However, because I don't want any reader to walk away empty handed I offer this quick suggestion: if you're paying any attention to the upcoming election, this statistics-heavy wonder-site by the Baseball Prospectus Guy should be on your daily rounds.

2008-10-04T18:30:00.002-05:00

Because the Brewers made the playoffs and gave me one positive sporting-related event to dwell on during the past week, I need to hold up my end of the bargain by getting back to the football-pickin' business.

TEN at BAL: It's pretty hard to imagine this Titans team being better than the early 00's McNair-led squads. McNair was undoubtedly superior to the early 00's Kerry Collins, who was undoubtedly superior to the late 00's Kerry Collins. Upset special. BAL.

KC at CAR: Well, Kansas City, at least you have the Royals... oh wait, never mind. CAR.

CHI at DET: If you're a solid GM candidate, is there any way you're stepping into the mess in Detroit if they ask you to stop by for an interview? I'm guessing not. Another former broadcaster, perhaps? What's Pat Summerall doing these days? CHI.

ATL at GB: Please, please, please - I don't want to see Matt Flynn. GB.

IND at HOU: It's games like these that will keep Indy in the playoff race, somehow. IND.

SD at MIA: Is anyone going to pay any attention to the dolphins now that they've fulfilled their destiny and played their one competent game against the Pats? SD.

SEA at NYG: Don't stop believing, little Matt Hasselbeck, you'll grow up to be a successful woman some day. NYG.

WAS at PHI: Ok, I have to admit I no longer have any idea what's up with the NFC east. I guess I'll pick the Eagles because I like birds more than ethnic stereotypes. PHI.

TB at DEN: Tampa gets its comeuppance this week, while Denver will have to wait another game or two. DEN.

BUF at ARI: Really, Arizona, what the hell just happened last week?!?!? BUF.

CIN at DAL: This is gonna get ugly, part II. DAL.

NE at SF: The equation is pretty simple in this match up: the winner is probably a borderline playoff contender, the loser probably isn't. NE.

PIT at JAC: Does Jacksonville have enough to keep their season afloat? For right now they do, against an equally beat-up Steelers squad. JAC.

MIN at NO: I just like picking against the Vikings. NO.

2008-09-27T18:09:00.003-05:00

I saw this quote recently and had to share:

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. - Niels Bohr

Doing picks, especially at a point when every team you care about has lost their last game, is a tough task. And because I'm running unopposed, there aren't any obligations to fill. So I'm going to take a pass this week. If anything in the sporting world goes right by this time next week, I'll be back in business, so I'll see you soon, hopefully.

2008-09-21T09:31:00.002-05:00

It appears my competition has silently bowed out this year, without so much as a goodbye, perhaps in tacit admission my of my insurmountable and permanent superiority in picking football games. Unfortunately, the football gods, no doubt angered at this turn of events, struck down the quarterback of his favorite team, in a fully-justified retaliatory action.

I'll continue making picks this year but it's possible I might miss a week here or there with no one else running in the race. My enthusiasm for doing these is directly related to how the Packers are doing, and they're doing well right now, so let's get down to business.

KC at ATL: GIDCAOTW right off the bat. ATL.

OAK at BUF: Even before last week, it should have been clear that Buffalo, not the Jets, are the Patriots' real competition in the AFC East. BUF.

TB at CHI: I cannot believe that the Bears are an over-.500 team, and this is the kind of game under-.500 teams should lose. TB.

CAR at MIN: Yes, the Vikings need this game much much more than Carolina, but what have they done in the first two to make anyone, let alone someone with extreme anti-Vikings prejudice, pick them? CAR.

MIA at NE: And the Patriots' cruise through their minor-league-grade schedule continues. NE.

CIN at NYG: BITL: Raw Sienna (approaching critical) NYG.

HOU at TEN: I can't believe I'm doing this, considering what happened the last time the Texans tried to play football a few weeks back, but I have nothing to lose this year. Upset Special. HOU.

ARI at WAS: Washington is the worst team in the NFC east. Arizona may actually be the best team in the NFC west. That means Arizona will win, right? ....Right? ARI.

NO at DEN: Oooh, lets all fawn over Mike Shanahan a little bit more - we have no dignity left anyway. Right, ESPN? DEN.

DET at SF: Has J.T. O'Sullivan suddenly become competent? Doubtful. But he'll put up competent numbers against the hopeless Lions. SF.

STL at SEA: Late breaking news: The Seahawks have re-signed Brian Blades and Mike Pritchard. SEA.

CLE at BAL: This game will be worse than boring, it'll be boring-and-a-half. BAL.

JAC at IND: Who would have looked at this matchup a few weeks ago and said, "this is the only way one of these teams get a win this week"? JAC.

PIT at PHI: Possible super-bowl matchup? Pit-possibly. Phi-impossibly. PIT.

DAL at GB: I have the same feeling about this game as the week 1 vikings game, so we'll see how it goes... GB.

NYJ at SD: This is gonna get ugly. SD.

2008-09-14T10:14:00.002-05:00

CHI at CAR: If Matt Forte has another good game, he's well on the path to being this year's Adrian Peterson - and of course, I'm not speaking in terms of talent, just hype. CHI.

TEN at CIN: The obvious joke here is that Vince Young is reaching a craziness level that would make him a perfect fit on the Bengals - so I'll use it. BITL: Lemon Yellow (medium but rising) TEN.

GB at DET: The Packers are really dinged up right now, but c'mon... GB.

BUF at JAC: I mentioned last week I had a bad feeling about the Jags this year, and it was confirmed big-time. Suddenly this looks like a 6-win team. Upset Special. BUF.

OAK at KC: I wish you could have seen my facial reaction when I saw this matchup. Imagine biting into a pickled lemon. KC.

IND at MIN: Minnesota will probably win here, because Indy's defense has reverted to their pre-2006 playoffs form, but it's going to take more than a likely victory for me to actually predict the Vikings will win. IND.

NYG at STL: Ok, so the Giants may not be toast this year. But imagining more than 10 wins is pretty hard too. About as hard as imagining more than 3 wins for the Rams. Tim Tebow lottery, here we come! NYG.

NO at WAS: For all the positive vibes coming out of New Orleans last week, the one that made me happiest was the strong fantasy performance of Reggie Bush, who I had instantly regretted drafting the prior week. NO.

SF at SEA: I hate you, NFC west, for wasting my time 17 weeks a year. SEA.

ATL at TB: No, Atlanta, you won't be winning much this year, but I hope you enjoyed last week. TB.

MIA at ARI: GIDCAOTW. ARI.

SD at DEN: Let's see what Denver does against a real team before making any judgments, ok? SD.

NE at NYJ: With the Patriots' surrounding cast, even say, Jeff George, should be able to put up 15-20 TDs (albeit with 30-35 interceptions). NE.

PIT at CLE: Speaking of the Patriots, the Steelers better be paying attention, because they just got the opportunity of a lifetime. PIT.

PHI at DAL: Good Samaritan Tony Romo will save some lady's baby off a nearby set of railroad tracks during halftime. DAL.

2008-09-03T21:17:00.003-05:00

Well, it's time to fire up the ol' football-pickin' machine again, and it's nice to see that this season already has plenty to talk about. I'm speaking, of course, about this year's version of spygate, duffelgate. Please see this google screenshot as proof I coined the term. Last year we had to wait until after week one to start talking about the season's big issue, this year we got a one-week head start. Hooray!

WAS at NYG: I can't stay mad at the Giants for beating the Pack at Lambeau last year, because I'm convinced the Pats would have mopped the floor with GB in the super bowl, and I would take a Pats championship game loss over a Packers champion ship game loss (to the Pats) any day.

DET at ATL: Almost went upset special but I couldn't pick a team where I actually have no idea who the coach is. DET.

CIN at BAL: This year I'll provide a homeland-security-style Bengals Implosion Threat Level (BITL) for each of their games. We start out at BITL: Salmon (moderately low). BAL.

SEA at BUF: Wild, crazy, prediction: Seattle will finish about 10-6 and exit in the second round of the playoffs. Also, Matt Hasselbeck will continue to act like he's not a balding, annoying, pipsqueak. SEA.

NYJ at MIA: Aw, noodle-armed Chad Pennington doesn't have a starting job at the moment. What Jet shall I then make fun of? I'll make my decision after this week. NYJ.

KC at NE: The Pats will be worse than last year, and so will the Chiefs. NE.

TB at NO: Somebody has to win the NFC south, and it might as well be the Saints again. NO.

STL at PHI: Does anyone outside of Philly still consider the Eagles a super bowl contender? Because everyone inside Philly does, for some reason. PHI.

HOU at PIT: Seems like a decent candidate for GIDCAOTW. PIT.

JAC at TEN: The Jags look like a team on the upswing, but I'm starting to get a 2006 Bengals vibe from them. TEN.

DAL at CLE: One thing I don't understand is why everyone thinks the cowboys will be even better than they were last year. But then again, I'm not a blowhard ex-jock with an extensive concussion history and freedom to speak whatever wanders across my wasteland of a mind on national TV. Upset Special. CLE.

CAR at SD: Phil Rivers is quickly becoming the quarterback who most annoys me, but I have to admit, if the Chargers didn't lose their QB and RB at the most inopportune time possible last year, they probably are super bowl champions right now. SD.

ARI at SF: J.T. O'Sullivan. ARI.

CHI at IND: Wow, two teams that have similar personnel to what they had a couple years ago in the superbowl, ...and yet, the Colts are expecting to be a top team in the AFC once again, while the Bears have to be realistically aiming for about 6 wins. IND.

MIN at GB: I have no idea what will happen to the Packers this year, and I have a bad feeling about this one (despite the horrific over-ration of the Vikings, this year's stupid national media darling). GB.

DEN at OAK: Do not let people who were born before the Spanish-American war run a team in 2008 - is that clear by now??? DEN.

2008-07-12T16:36:00.001-05:00

Shockingly, the Jeromy Burnitz impression is not really overdone

and if you're wondering: yes, the guy is doing every team

2008-06-08T14:00:00.003-05:00

No explanation...

2008-05-28T21:46:00.001-05:00

Two posts in two days, I must have something important to say ... and I do, tooting my horn thusly:

The Simpsons Softball Quiz

Score: 100% (9 out of 9)

2008-05-27T20:10:00.003-05:00

I've been roused from my lengthy slumber to send this important message: If the words "Oregon Trail" immediately conjure up childhood memories of boldly fording rivers, buying 999 boxes of bullets at Matt's General Store, and watching your family members succumb to snakebite one by one, you need to go to virutualapple.org and re-live the experience right now. And if you die prematurely (you will), there are 1200+ other Apple II games on the site ready to kill your valuable time. Just go already, Woz wants you to.

2008-03-19T17:10:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I'll admit that I dropped the ball on "The Hattys" this year, but this is mainly due to me also forgetting about the oh-so-forgettable Oscars. That, and me not really watching any new movies this past year. However, I can recall going to the theater just once, to see Ratatouille, and it was enough for me to crown the champion right then and there, as a chef's toque serves as a critical element in the main plot point of the film. So, congratulations to Ratatouille, the first animated film to garner the prestigious honor of Most Hat-Centric Movie of the Year.

Now, you may notice that this years rundown is a bit shorter than normal, and that's due to me devoting my time to creating something that will benefit all of humanity. We're talking, of course, about the internet's only Hat Identification Chart. You may recall me complaining about the non-existence of this item last year, and a few weeks ago I finally decided to do something about it. I also put a handy-dandy link to it on the sidebar, just for easy access.

Enjoy.

2008-02-03T13:46:00.000-06:00

After some thought, I've decided to pass on watching the super bowl this year. And believe it or not, it has almost nothing to do with the Packers' recent elimination - now I'll admit if the Pack was in it I'd be watching, but if they had finished their expected 6-10 this year I'm pretty sure I'd be passing in that case, too. I arrived at my choice after making the following considerations:

Fox is mixing political coverage into this year's pregame. I'm confident it will be fair and balanced.
Fox will also have a red carpet this year, which is nice because I always feel like football broadcasts don't spend enough time focusing on which celebrities are in attendance, and what, or should is say, "who", they are wearing.
Every moment listening to Joe Buck is a moment of agony.
Ditto for Terry Bradshaw.
5 hours of Patriot (and Giant) butt kissing.
6 hours of promos for horrific new shows that will be gone by April.
There are several decent male-focused viewing alternatives this year, like the Mythbusters marathon.
The Puppy Bowl is always gold, too.
It's unlikely that more than five commercials will actually be funny.
In the age of the internet, I can always view any good commercials the following day, in 1/20th of the time.
My disdain for the league itself has grown a great deal over the past few years, most notably for the NFL Network's cash-grabbing tactics at the expense of their fans, but also for their idiotic handling of tape-gate - why on earth would you destroy the tapes?
I just plain don't like the Patriots.

So, anyway, I guess I'll pick the Giants just for the hell of it. Have fun if you're going to watch, I won't begrudge you. That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter, thank you for your time.

2008-01-26T10:24:00.000-06:00

Can somebody explain to me why The Weather Channel is publishing a video report from a meterologist entitled Proof that there is life on Mars?

(Apologies for the horrifically poor video player and embedding tool weather.com uses. I had no choice, I swear!)

I think right now is a wonderful time to think about where you get your weather information from. You may want to consider sites that tend to focus on actually providing weather information.

2008-01-19T11:04:00.000-06:00

Unsurprisingly, I'm still riding a high from last week's remarkable Packers-Seahawks game. I'll be seeing replays from that game, on TV and mentally, until the day I die. In fact, I would go as far as saying the game deserves its own "bowl" name from here on out, for easy reference. "The Ryan Grant Bowl" is probably my leading candidate right now - narratives where you lose 2 fumbles in your first 3 plays leading to a 14 point deficit, yet end up with 200+ yards and 3 TD's in a visually stunning, snowy blowout just don't come along very often.

Combined with the quickly-becoming-an-annual-tradition Cowboys choke job, it was a near perfect weekend in the NFC. If I wanted to be bold, I'd say the dream matchup I talked about earlier this year, with the still-undefeated Patriots facing the Packers in the Super Bowl, appears close to inevitable at this point.

However I don't want to jinx anything, so I'm not going to say that thing I just said. NE and GB.

2008-01-10T17:29:00.000-06:00

Ah yes, divisional week in the NFL playoffs, also known as the week where you'd have to be insane to pick any upsets. GB, NE, IND, DAL.

2008-01-05T11:25:00.000-06:00

Playoff picks are just below, but first a response to the question of how I feel about Eric Gagne's name appearing in the Mitchell Report: Basically, I'd still rather see the Brewers with Gagne than without him, assuming 1) he stopped using once MLB put HGH on its banned substances list (I believe everything about Gagne in the report is 2004 or earlier) and 2) When he comes out and talks about it, he fesses up (to date, I don't think he's said anything publicly). We already have one wild and unreliable closer that used steroids before MLB started its current policy and has since fully apologized, so it's not like some significant change of course for the Brewers. The only thing that would truly turn me against Gagne would be if he pulled a Clemens and started issuing denials, excuses, and threats rather than accepting any kind of responsibility. And speaking of Gagne, a question for you, Chris: I never watched him on the Sox last year (I can't watch baseball games involving the Yankees or Red Sox) - what the hell happened there? Was his stuff no good, did he lose control on his pitches, did he become mentally unhinged, or was it the case of some bad breaks snowballing? When Doug Melvin signed the guy he said that Theo Epstein had nothing but good things to say about Gagne - was Theo just being a snot or is he actually salvageable? I don't want your opinion as a Sox fan, I want your opinion as a scout...

WAS at SEA: Ok, I went back and looked at Seattle's schedule again, and they did beat one team with a winning record, but it's Tampa, so that totally doesn't count. 0-2 otherwise. Upset special. WAS.

JAX at PIT: Everyone on earth is picking the Jags here, and for good reason. JAX.

NYG at TB: I truly cannot stand this pick, but picking Eli Manning to lead the Giants to victory in a road playoff game is insanity. And I don't want to hear any "they hung with the Patriots" arguments, the Patriots have been playing like a very lucky .500 team for the last 5 weeks or so, and beating the Patriots would have been NY's Super Bowl. TB.

TEN at SD: I still have no idea how the Titans are in the playoffs, when the Browns were a significantly better team all year. Makes you yearn for a BCS-type system, right? SD.

2007-12-29T18:06:00.000-06:00

I cannot remember a week 17 with so many playoff positions already locked up, making for an interesting week of picks.

NO at CHI: Note to Saints: If you can't get it done at home against a team with nothing to play for, you're not going to be able to get it done on the road either. CHI

CAR at TB: Carolina, I'm punishing you for not beating a shorthanded Dallas team last week. TB

BUF at PHI: It's a classic overachiever vs. underachiever matchup, but unfortunately those tendencies leave the teams evenly matched, so I'll just go with homefield. PHI

CIN at MIA: If last week was Miami's superbowl, then this would be their first week of the offseason. CIN

JAX at HOU: Houston would like to go out with a win, and I don't think the Jags have anything to play for. Upset special. HOU

DET at GB: There's only one word for how the Packers played last week: yucky. GB

SF at CLE: Cleveland, I'm sorry, but you blew your chance last week. Winning here isn't going to get it done. CLE

SEA at ATL: Ever wonder what the Patriots would look like if someone sucked half the talent out of each of their players? Just watch a Seattle game. SEA

DAL at WAS: I'm very much rooting for the Viking-killing Redskins in this one. Can anyone think of a less intimidating team to face in the playoffs than the Redskins? I used Todd Collins as a punchline earlier this year, assuming he had retired five years ago. WAS

PIT at BAL: I'm telling you, Baltimore will not recover from the NE game for years. PIT

KC at NYJ: Oh baby, Herm Edwards returning to New York! What a story! Almost as exciting as watching one of those early-December bowl games! NYJ

SD at OAK: San Diego runs away with the AFC West, disparagingly known as "The NFC West of the AFC". SD

MIN at DEN: Yet another embarrassing loss for the overrated "mastermind" everyone forgot about, Mike Shanahan. MIN

STL at AZ: I could see this GIDCAOTW a mile away.... AZ

TEN at IND: Exact same scenario as the DAL-WAS game, exact same result. TEN

2007-12-28T19:30:00.000-06:00

I was meaning to get back to Chris's Mitchell Report Challenge a bit earlier, but was distracted by a Christmas bonanza of video game goodness. I've torn myself away from the joystick for a bit, so lets move on to some topics:

On whether it was right for Mitchell to lead the investigation: In a word, No. And it's not because I have even the faintest belief that any unscrupulous behavior is going on. It just seems like a very poor choice to pick a man who undoubtedly qualifies as an MLB "insider" as the lead investigator in a case that's as much about baseball being an impenetrable ol' boys' club as it is about the drugs themselves. The whole reason this report exists, as far as I can tell, is because no one else had any luck breaking through the stonewall put in place by the player's union. With the government behind them, the baseball community, of all sports, should have understood the value of picking a true arbitrator for this kind of matter. Instead, they provided every Roger Clemens fan a significant piece of ammo to use in whatever conspiracy theory they happen to be cooking up in their tinfoil hat.

On what to do about the records/statistics from convicted users: First of all, I tend to be of the opinion that once a player retires, most of his records, statistics, awards, etc, have no real meaning. His stats are just numbers in a book, completely incapable of influencing the present or predicting the future - they're just a log of what happened, why would anyone care to erase them? As for awards, if Raphael Palmeiro somehow made it into the Hall of Fame, I would probably be upset for about a minute, and then forget about it for the rest of my life. However, this is a game we're talking about, not accounting, and I'm willing to admit there may be a few numbers or achievements that have some kind of "sentimental" value, for lack of a better term. For me, there are really only two numbers, 61 and 755, that are important enough to care about and have been irrevocably linked with the whole steroid issue. And for those two numbers, the steroid "crackdown" came a year too late for the latter, and almost a decade too late for the former. So where does that leave me standing on this issue? Well, let me put it this way: A record can't be un-set once it's set, and baseball will just have to deal with Bonds' 73 and 762 as an embarassing part of its past.

The MLB recordbook is like a program's log file: its creator shouldn't be going back and editing it, even if it contains some nasty stuff...

Oh, and NE for tomorrow...

2007-12-22T16:53:00.000-06:00

Chris's last post brought up the topic of having another point-counterpoint on the Mitchell report. It sounds like a good idea to me, so check back here in a few days and I should have a "formalized" argument started. But today, I'm just doing cleanup picks....

NYG at BUF: Given that this is the NFC vs. the AFC, and that the Giants are in the middle of their yearly late-season collapse, I'm not sure this even qualifies as a real upset. BUF.

GB at CHI: Over the last two years, a well-defined, larger-than-expected segment of the Bears fan base has been clamoring for Lovie Smith to give Kyle Orton a shot at QB (I am not making this up). He was the kind of guy the Bears offense needed: a good game manager, relatively smart, supposedly a good teammate. Last week they got their wish, and hopefully figured out what the rest of us already knew: that Orton, despite his positive traits, was missing one important quarterbacking ability - being able to throw a football. GB.

CLE at CIN: A few weeks ago I was convinced that Cincy would win some meaningless games at the end of the year, but they appear to be in even worse shape than I thought, and Cleveland is so close they can taste it. CLE.

KC at DET: Detroit was mathematically eliminated with the Vikings win last monday, so here's the meaningless victory that would have gone to the Bengals. DET.

HOU at IND: I'm surprised, it actually feels like Indy only played Houston twice this year. IND.

PHI at NO: New Orleans is mathematically alive, Philly isn't. Seems reasonable. NO.

OAK at JAX: I may be getting suckered in here, but the Jags are again approaching AFC 1st-tier status. 1.5-th tier at worst. JAX.

ATL at AZ: Poor, poor, pitiful Falcons. Actually, that's not true, they're mostly a bunch of punks and don't deserve much pity. I doubt "due process" was a term considered by Roddy White while coming up with his subversive T-shirt designs. AZ.

TB at SF: And the ~~rich~~ lower-middle class gets richer. TB.

NYJ at TEN: The Jets shockingly are still playing games. GIDCAOTW. TEN.

MIA at NE: Thanks, Miami, for ruining the fun of 0-14 vs 14-0. NE.

BAL at SEA: Ok, here's the deal: until Seattle beats a .500-or-better team, I will refuse to talk about anything else when picking their games. SEA.

WAS at MIN: If you watched any of last week's Monday night game, it should be painfully clear that the Vikings are overrated. However, the Skins are far too Bear-like to inspire any confidence. MIN.

DEN at SD: A late-season throttling of the Broncos would be the perfect cap on Shannahan's comeuppance year. SD.

2007-12-20T16:31:00.001-06:00

PIT at STL: I saw the Rams last week, and they're certainly talented enough to be a .500 team if healthy, but the Steelers really need this game. PIT

DAL at CAR: Once again, I can't tell if this is a head or heart pick, but what the heck. Upset Special. CAR.

2007-12-15T22:22:00.000-06:00

Let's hurry up and get to the playoffs already....

BUF at CLE: I'm still trying to figure out how Buffalo is still in the hunt, what with them not having anyone good on their team and all...CLE

TEN at KC: Even at 4-9, on a 6 game losing streak, I'd say KC has overachieved this year. TEN

GB at STL: Favre has never played well in the TWA (or whatever it's called nowadays) dome, so I'm more nervous about this game than you might think. GB

BAL at MIA: Just like Chris, I've been forced into picking the dolphins every week until they win. MIA

NYJ at NE: Yay! what a wonderful opportunity for GIDCAOTW. NE

AZ at NO: Sorry kids, you're done...you should both go home now. AZ

JAX at PIT: I proclaimed the Jags as a second-tier team last week, and this is a game that second-tier teams lose. PIT

ATL at TB: Well, this would have been a good GIDCAOTW too, but now that I've already used it, I'm forced to say something relevant. Ummmmm.....do you think Earnest Graham was named after that Jim Varney character? I don't. TB

SEA at CAR: I've already made my thoughts on the Seahawks clear. Repeatedly. SEA

IND at OAK: Personally, I don't think the Frozen Tundra gives the Packers nearly the advantage most claim it does, but last week, the Raiders genuinely looked like a team that just wanted to find a heated area about five minutes after kickoff. IND

PHI at DAL: Upset special: Dallas is due. Actually they're one week past due, but the Lions managed to do what they do best. PHI

DET at SD: Like I was just saying. SD

WAS at NYG: NFC east games always have a strong "meh" element to them, no matter what the records or talent levels are. NYG

CHI at MIN: It would be nice to see the Bears damage the Vikings' playoff hopes here, but bad teams usually can't get it done in the metrodome. MIN

2007-12-12T21:47:00.001-06:00

We're now in the stretch of the season where the NFL starts evenly distributing their games across the week in an effort to inconvenience as many teams, fans, and pick-makers as possible, so from here on out I'll likely just be picking winnners for the odd days and giving full descriptions for the rest: HOU, CIN

2007-12-08T19:44:00.000-06:00

MIA at BUF: Gosh darn it, I just can't pick against Miami at this point, because I know it will guarantee a Dolphins victory. MIA

STL at CIN: Somebody named "Brock Berlin" will start for the Rams. There's no way that's his real name. CIN

DAL at DET: This would be a classic letdown game for the Cowboys, but don't count on it against the god-forsaken Lions. DAL

OAK at GB: You better win this, Packers.... GB

SD at TEN: Like I've said previously, the Chargers simply don't have the mental fortitude to win on the road against a tough defense. TEN

NYG at PHI: Did you really think Mr. Feely was the answer? PHI

CAR at JAX: Sorry Jags, you're officially second tier. JAX

TB at HOU: Tampa Bay is almost as bad as Seattle (believe me, that IS an insult), but Houston already has their annual five wins. TB

MIN at SF: I really would like to pick San Fran here, but if it's late in the game and you have the lead, you shouldn't start heaving the ball down field, if you know what I mean... MIN

AZ at SEA: Believe it or not, Seattle hasn't beaten anyone with a winning record this year. In fact, they haven't even beaten anyone with a .500 record. I'm calling upset special all over this. Oh and in case your wondering, the Seahawks schedule down the stretch: CAR, BAL, ATL. I'm going to throw up now. ARI

KC at DEN: Wasn't Jay Cutler supposed to "break out" this season? Unless he's come down with a nasty rash, I don't think it's happened. DEN

PIT at NE: Ok, the last two weeks I've come to the brink of picking against the Pats, and the last two weeks the Pats have come to the brink of losing. So, let's go with the Steelers here and see what happens. PIT

CLE at NYJ: Cleveland is inching up near the top of the list of teams I wouldn't want to face in the playoffs. CLE

IND at BAL: The Ravens just lost the kind of game it could take 5 years to recover from. IND

NO at ATL: Reggie Bush must regret having stayed healthy long enough for people to realize he's not a #1 back. NO

2007-12-05T19:39:00.000-06:00

CHI at WAS: Someone's going to come out of this with their playoff hopes officially ended....WAS.

2007-12-01T17:21:00.000-06:00

Lisa and I were luckily invited to a satellite-enabled household to watch the Packers, so I'm still recovering. I'm not angry or concerned as much as I am confused about how to feel. The Cowboys were the better team than the injury-ravaged Packers and deserved to win, but the game still could have gone to the Packers except for a bunch of very iffy calls all going the Cowboys' way. Because I'm still quite incoherent, I going with 4-word picks.

SF at CAR: San Fran can't tank. SF.

BUF at WAS: Dan Snyder's a jerk. WAS.

HOU at TEN: See ya, Mike Sherman. TEN.

ATL at STL: Race for pick 2. STL.

SEA at PHI: Seattle is NOT good. PHI.

DET at MIN: The Lions collapse continues. MIN.

JAX at IND: Gettin' over the hump. JAX.

SD at KC: Rivers complains too much. SD.

NYJ at MIA: This is the week. MIA.

DEN at OAK: Here's your upset special. OAK.

CLE at ARI: Cleveland is "for real". CLE.

TB at NO: The Bucs still suck. NO.

NYG at CHI: Bears have false hope. NYG.

CIN at PIT: No one's watching Pittsburgh. PIT.

NE at BAL: Almost called upset again. NE.

2007-11-28T21:52:00.000-06:00

There are many words to describe what Lance Thomas is doing to Brian Butch in this photo, but I don't think "defends" is one of them. Dick Vitale must have consulted on the captions.

Anyway, I'm picking Green Bay tomorrow, if you haven't guessed....

2007-11-23T15:57:00.000-06:00

We'll move on to the rest of this week's picks shortly, but first, a rebuttal of Chris's last rebuttal (a re-rebuttal?), specifically concerning the sub-topic of wide receiver contact rules.

I originally said:
There are plenty of other high-class organizations out there, so it's a poor argument by TMQ. However, Chris, I don't believe you can honestly tell me that bringing up an argument to the rules committee in the offseason about them enforcing an already-existing rule is at the same level of "poor sportsmanship" as willfully breaking a rule to gain a competitive advantage (no matter how small that advantage might actually have been).

And then Chris said:
First of all, it was not an already-existing rule. The rules for wide receiver contact were changed after those meetings to the current system where no contact with wide receivers is allowed beyond 5 yards. Before that, contact was allowed so long as the ball was not in the air.

Before you go making such an authoritative statement on this matter, Chris, I'd like to see some reasonable source (even a obscure internet source) indicating that the rules were in fact changed, as opposed to enforced, because I really don't think they were. It may shock you, but even outside the New England universe, many fans have been affected by the interpretation of the rules governing cornerback play, and have been forced to keep close tabs on the situation. To the best of my understanding, the narrative actually went something like the following:

For many years before the incident in question, the rules for contact before the ball was thrown were basically the same as they are now. You were allowed to shove any offensive player around as much you wanted within five yards, and after five yards, you were still allowed to make contact as long as you didn't impede the progress of the receiver.
By the early 2000's, many teams (not just the Pats, but the Packers as well, who have long been one of the biggest bump and run teams in the league) were taking advantage of the fact that the officials tended to be pretty lax on the five-yard rule, and generally let DB's redirect WR's as long as the ball wasn't in the air, in which case the regular pass interference rules would go into effect.
After the Patriots used a game plan that prominently featured downfield shoves (which were technically illegal at the time), the Colts complained to the league
The following year, the league announced it would more precisely enforce it's existing rules. In reality, the only thing that was now being enforced more than before was the "5 yard" part, which is why it my have looked to the casual observer like a new rule.

It's hard to find any real evidence online because search results get obscured behind the most recent Colts-Pats interference controversies, but in a few minutes of googling I was able to find this article which seems to agree with my points.

Does this version of the events paint new New England in a poor light? Not at all. Does it make the Colts look like crybabies and sore losers? Yes. But the Colts' point was technically correct (the best kind of correct) and there's no rule about not complaining about rules enforcement, so I don't think you can compare it to a situation where someone's trying to force a rule change. Even if that was the case, I think the argument stills boils down to: which is worse, cheating or complaining? And at least for me, cheating is the winner there. To bring back your basketball analogy, if I played pickup against a bunch of guys who complained every time they lost, it would be annoying, but I'd love coming back the next week to try to beat them again, especially if they managed to get the rules slightly tweaked. If I played against guys who willfully cheated, I just wouldn't show up the next week.

OAK at KC. I've heard that this is a big rivalry game. Yeah, and so is The University of Vermont vs The University New Hampshire... KC.

SEA at STL. We'll start hearing about how Seattle is "legit" after they win here, which, of course, is beyond laughable. SEA.

TEN at CIN. Tennessee's record is starting to catch up with their talent level, and Cincy seems like a team that will win a few because they're basically out of the race (Marvis Lewis thrives under non-pressure). CIN.

HOU at CLE. I haven't seen a single minute of the Browns this year, so I feel completely unqualified to dismiss or extol them. If only the folks at ESPN had the same scruples. CLE.

MIN at NYG. Did anyone notice Chester Taylor's performance last week? Maybe AP isn't twice as talented as everyone else in the league... NYG.

WAS at TB. I can't believe this horrible matchup actually has significant playoff implications. TB.

NO at CAR. Fun fact: David Carr was healthy enough to start last week, but Vinny was still given the nod. David, welcome to Tim Couch territory. I hope your long, luxurious hair will help console you. NO.

BUF at JAX. This is EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY the kind of game the Jags normally blow, but I've done well fighting the urge to go against them for an upset special this year, so I'll let things slide. JAX.

BAL at SD. Best comeuppance story of the year: Brian Billick in Baltimore. SD.

SF at ARI. GIDCAOTW. ARI.

DEN at CHI. I'm just praying that free-agent-to-be Rex Grossman does well enough the rest of this year to convince the Bears management that he is the solution, not the problem. CHI.

PHI at NE. Really came close to going upset special here, but I couldn't tell if it was coming from my mind or my gut. NE.

MIA at PIT. Not this week, Miami. PIT.

2007-11-21T12:32:00.000-06:00

The thanksgiving slate this year is pretty boring, so I'll make the obvious picks and save the good stuff for the weekend. GB, DAL, IND.

2007-11-17T19:13:00.001-06:00

As I mentioned here last week, I was lucky enough to go to the Packers-Vikings game last week. While the players were warming up, I decided to run a bit of an experiment, by pointing my camera at Adrian Peterson and taking a picture. Based on what I've been hearing, I was worried that my poor little image sensor stood no chance of capturing the glorious light reflected from his heroic figure. Expecting the camera to explode in my hands, I took the shot. Shockingly enough, he showed up on the preview screen a second later, just like all the other players.

I should have known right then that this would turn out to be the best game ever. I honestly think this was better than our last Super Bowl win. Just consider the factors:

The score itself - not just a blowout, but a shutout, the first ever vs. the Vikings
The victory against the Packers' most hated rival
The perfect fall weather
Being part of a regular-season Lambeau attendance record
Being able to watch the opposing team's ridiculously overhyped star player get totally shut down
Being able to watch one of my most-frequently-mentioned football pick predictions come true as, surprise surprise, Adrian Peterson had to leave with an injury.*
Being able to watch Vikings fans, who probably accounted for 20% of the stadium attendance, quietly cover their jerseys and sulk away, because of factors 5 and 6.
Witnessing an "everything's going right" crazy touchdown in garbage time (where two Vikings collided with each other going for a sure interception, followed by the ball bouncing directly into the hands of a waiting receiver)
Witnessing an ex-player who's well known for talking %@#! about his former team getting regularly embarrassed (and being one of the colliding Vikings I just mentioned) - Darren Sharper
Witnessing a fantasy breakout performance by a deep keeper candidate I picked off waivers - Ryan Grant

Outside of the Packers beating the Pats as a 3-TD underdog in the superbowl, I can't think of a much better scenario. See below for pics, including some of the somewhat-destructible Peterson.

Packers-Vikings

I'll respond to Chris's latest volley in our Pats discussion some other time, so let's get on to picks:

TB at ATL: Wow, what a bad way to start off. I'm all for parity, but this is it's ugly side. TB

AZ at CIN: And the yuck continues. Neither of these teams seems remotely capable of winning this game. AZ

NYG at DET: Evidently Kevin Jones' foot is acting up again, which will give Mike Martz all the justification he'll need to implement an all-pass gameplan. NYG

CAR at GB: If I said that I actually remember the first time Favre and Testaverde matched up, would that make me old? GB

KC at IND: Indy's in big trouble, but they get a break against the least talented offense in the AFC. IND

OAK at MIN: Based on what I saw at last week's game, approximately 80% of Minnesotans have bought at least one Adrian Peterson jersey in the last 2 weeks. Way to express your individuality, guys. MIN.

MIA at PHI: I don't get the impression that the Fins are destined for 0-16, but they're not going to do it in Philly. PHI

SD at JAX: The Chargers have played like crap every time they've faced a strong, physical defense on the road, and there's no reason to expect things will change here. JAX

CLE at BAL: Despite recent circumstances, and despite what Vegas says, I'm still not sure Baltimore at home over Cleveland can ever be classified as an upset special, Chris. At least not in this decade. CLE.

NO at HOU: Any game involving Houston gets a big leg up in the race for GIDCAOTW. NO

PIT at NYJ: Jets games aren't as fun to comment on as they used to, because I don't have Pennington to pick on anymore. PIT

WAS at DAL: I know everyone looks at this game and sees one of the NFL's greatest rivalries, but all I see is a matchup between the NFL's jerkiest owners. DAL

STL at SF: I have never seen a worse MNF performance than the one the Niners put up last week. Never. If you can't beat a bad St. Louis team after being nationally embarrassed, you're beyond hope. SF

CHI at SEA: Speaking of which, every time I get a chance to watch a Seahawks game, the only part that usually interests me is watching Mike Holmgren's facial expressions, because he usually looks like he's attempting to digest a live weasel. SEA

NE at BUF: The official downer game of the week, as the feel-good Bills get mercilessly mowed down. NE

TEN at DEN: Mike Shananan, I hope you're getting well acquainted with this thing called "comeuppance" - it will continue to follow you until you get fired 3 years from now. TEN

* Easy there, fellas, I didn't say I was happy that Peterson got hurt, so you can keep your "schadenfreude!" comments to yourself. Boy, those Germans have a word for everything...

2007-11-10T23:18:00.000-06:00

Sorry, but I'll be going to the abbreviated format again this week, as Lisa and I were fortunate enough to be given some Packers tickets for this week's game against the Vikings, and I've run out of time before we have to head off. I should be extra grateful to be able to go to this game in particular, because (according to the national media) watching Adrian Peterson in person will be analogous to experiencing a purple-tinted version of the Second Coming.

MIN at GB: GB
JAX at TEN: TEN
DEN at KC: KC
BUF at MIA: BUF
STL at NO: NO
CLE at PIT: PIT
PHI at WAS: WAS
ATL at CAR: CAR
CIN at BAL: BAL
CHI at OAK: OAK
DAL at NYG: DAL
DET at AZ: AZ. Upset special
IND at SD: IND
SF at SEA: SEA

2007-11-03T18:36:00.000-05:00

I know this is a serious run of nothing-but-football posts, but I've run into a couple Tecmo Bowl items too good to pass up. SI had a link to the following Tecmo-ized version of the Packer's overtime victory a few days ago and I had to share it:

And, because we're on the topic, here's an clip from a few years ago, when a last-second touchdown by a horrible Cardinals team knocked the Vikings out of the playoffs and the Packers in - this audio is from Vikings radio, if you haven't guessed...

So, on to picks...

SF at ATL: Everyone's been disappointed that Alex Smith and Vernon Davis haven't turned into a spectacular duo this year. However, they have the excuse of being injured, which means that we'll have to wait at least another year or so before people realize they just plain suck. However, SF.

CIN at BUF: Wow, before the season began, who would have thought that Buffalo would actually go into this game as a mild favorite? BUF.

DEN at DET: The full list of teams the Lions have beat to this point: Chicago, Minnesota, Tampa, Oakland. Will people please stop paying attention to these dopes? DEN.

CAR at TEN: I have to give it to The Onion for having, far and away, the best Vinny Testaverde joke I've seen this year. TEN.

GB at KC: No comments necessary. GB.

SD at MIN: Adrian Peterson's combined stats over the last two games: 32 carries, 133 yards, 1 TD, 1 catch for 12 yards. And this is before he gets hurt. Obviously the next NFL superstar. SD.

JAX at NO: Get onboard the spectacular Quinn Gray train now, because you haven't seen anything yet - one of these games he's going to attempt upwards of TWENTY passes! JAX.

WAS at NYJ: At least Kellen Clemens has two working arms. However, WAS.

AZ at TB: I could have sworn that Arizona was 1-6 at this point. Upset Special, I guess... AZ.

SEA at CLE: This game will be a great statement as to just how pathetic the NFC west is. How else can you explain a fourth-tier AFC team beating a team that basically is being handed a division title? CLE.

NE at IND: ... NE

HOU at OAK: Totally GIDCAOTW. OAK.

DAL at PHI: Teams the Cowboys have beaten: Giants, Dolphins, Bears, Rams, Bills, Vikings. Upset Special II. PHI.

BAL at PIT: Hmmm.... I'm having a great deal of trouble caring about this pivotal AFC north matchup.... PIT

2007-10-27T17:36:00.001-05:00

We'll do things a little different this week, because I have to respond to Chris's latest defense of the Patriots. I consider it quite amazing that he's gone from being "embarrassed" but annoyed with the media in week one (a reasonable opinion for a Patriots fan) to being so defensive about the situation that he's actually now feeling the need to dispute points coming out of the only national columnist I know of who hadn't fallen back in love with the Patriots by week 3. Now I won't be suckered into trying to defend TMQ, which is clearly just being sensationalistic for sensationalism's sake, but I will (as always) try to present a third-party fan's take on the arguments made, using the Packers as a third data point when appropriate.

The Good Stuff About the Colts
Sportsmanship - There are plenty of other high-class organizations out there, so it's a poor argument by TMQ. However, Chris, I don't believe you can honestly tell me that bringing up an argument to the rules committee in the offseason about them enforcing an already-existing rule is at the same level of "poor sportsmanship" as willfully breaking a rule to gain a competitive advantage (no matter how small that advantage might actually have been).
Honesty - As far as I can tell, the Packers are just as honest or dishonest as the Colts, as well as most of the other teams in the league that haven't been wrapped up in recent controversy. Not a great argument.
Modesty - Again, the Packers have as few showboats as the Colts. Not a great argument.
Devotion to Community - All teams do a lot of charity work. Really stupid argument.
Embrace of Traditional Small-Town Life - I agree with Chris, only Green Bay and Buffalo are privilege to this honor.
Belief in Higher Power - Too stupid to comment on.
Love of Laughter - Ditto
"Through prior years of postseason frustration, they never complained or pointed the finger outside their team" - Another stupid argument.

The Bad Stuff About the Pats
Dishonesty, Cheating - See above, for Sportsmanship. Chris isn't directly disputing this point anyway so I'll leave it at that.
Arrogance - Chris, I think you're confusing arrogant behaviors with arrogant statements. No coach that's intelligent enough to make it into the NFL (let's conveniently ignore Jerry Glanville for the moment) is going to actually make arrogant statements, and Belichick is no exception. My guess is that he plays up the opponent for the same reason every other coach does - elimination of "bulletin board" material, not to set some high-minded example. Neither one of us knows how much this sentiment is continued behind closed doors for the Pats or anyone else, but again, the point is not what he actually "says". It's that his pattern of actions is consistent with an arrogant individual (see below). I consider this a valid point.
Hubris - From my perspective, the Patriots' behavior is an absolutely perfect example of modern day hubris. Now, the term itself is an ancient one that doesn't have any exact synonyms in English (including "arrogance"), and I don't think the dictionary.com definition does it justice. See wikipedia for a decent description. The most important point here is that the Patriots were already coming from a position of extreme power. Achilles was unquestionably the greatest hero of the Trojan war, and the Patriots were unquestionably the most talented team in the league. Yet both felt the need to break the rules rather than let their skills talk for themselves. This, plus the running-up-the-score angle (which I won't argue about here - perhaps a topic for another time), make it a truly appropriate characterization.
Endless Complaining Even in Success - Because he didn't give specific examples of this particular trait, I can't support TMQ here.

So, in summary, the stripped down argument basically amounts to "Patriots = arrogant, Colts (like everyone else in the league) = not so arrogant)" which is the same thing we've been hearing since week one. Not exactly something worth headlining a column with. However, TMQ has been making some good points which get lost because Easterbrook mixes them in with the crazy, attention-grabbing "good vs. evil" premise. Here's a section from the original article with my "neutral observer" comments thrown in:

Argument for the New England Patriots as scoundrels in the service of that which is baleful: Dishonesty, cheating, arrogance, hubris, endless complaining even in success. The Patriots have three Super Bowl rings, but that jewelry is tarnished by their cheating scandal. They run up the score to humiliate opponents -- more on that below -- thus mocking sportsmanship. Their coach snaps and snarls in public, seeming to feel contempt for the American public that has brought him wealth and celebrity. Victory seems to give Bill Belichick no joy, and defeat throws him into fury. Belichick and the rest of the top of the Patriots' organization continue to refuse to answer questions about what was in the cheating tapes -- and generally, you refuse to answer questions if you have something to hide. The team has three Super Bowl triumphs, yet its players regularly whine about not being revered enough. The team's star, Tom Brady, is a smirking celebrity-chaser who dates actresses and supermodels but whose public charity appearances are infrequent. That constant smirk on Brady's face reminds one of Dick Cheney; people who smirk are fairly broadcasting the message, "I'm hiding something." The Patriots seem especially creepy at this point because we still don't know whether they have told the full truth about the cheating scandal -- or even whether they really have stopped cheating. They say they have, but their word is not exactly gold at this juncture. Ladies and gentlemen, representing Evil, the New England Patriots. [A bunch of half-cooked generalizations - nothing here worth keeping, as far as I'm concerned]

In the Good vs. Evil narrative of the Colts and Pats, running up the score is a telling factor: It reveals a team's sportsmanship or lack of same, and whether a team shows sportsmanship in public might offer insights into its character in private. New England is scoring so many points the Patriots offense looks like cherries and oranges spinning on a slot machine. The Flying Elvii stand plus-159 in net points, by far the best scoring margin in the NFL. This is supposed to be impressive. But I think it's creepy, and New England's creepy on-field behavior is only underscoring the seediness of the Beli-Cheat scandal. [Our debate today isn't about running up the score, so I'll leave this be]

... various examples of running up the score are then cited ...

Yes, you can find games the Colts have won by a big margin in recent years, and yes, Manning was on the field through the fourth quarter at Jacksonville last night. But in that quarter, the Colts mainly ran to grind the clock: If they had wanted to win by more, they likely could have. As for New England's running up the score, supposedly the Patriots are angry about the Beli-Cheat scandal and are scoring points like crazy to express their anger against the world. Wait a moment: What right do the Patriots have to be angry? They, after all, are the ones who admitted to systematic cheating. Other people didn't impose that situation on them -- they cheated of their own free accord, imposing the tainting of their accomplishments on themselves. The Patriots were not wronged; they wronged others. Yet they're mad about being caught, and they seem to want to take out their bad feelings about themselves by embarrassing second-echelon teams. [This, in my opinion, is a very valid point, although of course TMQ expresses it too strongly by throwing around words like "systematic" and "tainting"] That bespeaks lack of character. That's Dark Side. That's Evil. [See what I meant by going too far?]

Suppose New England's version of events is true -- that Belichick is a fine person who made an honest mistake about rules that seemed clearly written to everyone else but somehow were confusing to him and that he regrets his honest mistake. If this were so, wouldn't Belichick be attempting to convince the world he is a good guy by showing sportsmanship at every turn? Instead, he is raising his middle finger to the rest of the NFL, to the sporting media, even to the NFL fans who made his wealth and celebrity possible. If he were a misunderstood man who regrets an honest mistake, wouldn't he be candid and open in public because making his life an open book would convince us he's sorry for what he did? Instead, in public, Belichick continues to glare, stonewall and act offended that mere mortals dare to address him. There is not the slightest hint that Belichick is sorry for what he did -- only sorry he got caught. Innocent people falsely accused crave the recovery of their reputation, working hard to convince the world they are good. Creepy people who think they can get away with something act belligerent and show poor sportsmanship, which is what Belichick is doing right now. [More excellent points beneath the flowery language]

Since Belichick took over the Patriots and began the franchise's remarkable run, he and his team have been praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised; criticized when it was discovered New England had engaged in what commissioner Roger Goodell himself called "a calculated and deliberate attempt to avoid long-standing rules designed to encourage fair play and promote honest competition"; then -- after about a week of criticism -- praised, praised, praised. [Still good] This is not a sequence of experiences that would leave an honorable person angry at the world. Yet Belichick acts that way, and he appears to be encouraging anger in his players, which is itself unsportsmanlike. [Whoops, went too far again, I don't believe that Belichick is honestly angry with the world, or actively encouraging that sentiment in his players]

Perhaps you can say in Belichick's defense that the modern American ethos encourages us all to feel sorry for ourselves -- so much so that even someone to whom football has brought wealth, celebrity and Super Bowl rings can tell himself he's a victim. [Ugh, lets not get altruistic here- it's never good to bring "American ethos" into any conversation] Perhaps you can say in Belichick's defense that claiming victim status is a solid psychological ploy for the New England players -- who are not to blame for their coach's cheating, which they most likely did not know was happening. [I believe this is where you stand, Chris] The New England players still might suffer some long-term harm from the cheating, though: Given the image New England is projecting, would you want Patriots' players endorsing your product? [I don't know where he's going with this, considering he's already stated that the media is back in love with the team]

But if the Patriots are unfairly maligned, why the whole screw-you act they are staging? If the Patriots were unfairly maligned, they'd be trying hard to convince us their hearts are pure, and that distinctly is not what they are doing. Sure, many New England players are awesome performers: Both of Moss' touchdown catches Sunday came when he was double-teamed; the Flying Elvii offensive line was flawless again; Mike Vrabel, waived by Pittsburgh, might be the best linebacker in the NFL. But if the Patriots are so awesome they don't need to cheat, then why were they cheating in Week 1? The whole situation remains creepy. Should New England continue on and win the Super Bowl without a major attitude shift toward nice-guy behavior -- and should the year end without the NFL's ever explaining what New England evidence it destroyed or why -- there could be a huge amount of cynicism about this NFL season. Cynicism doesn't sell a sports product, nor is it what the NFL should be marketing to the young. [Even when taken down off the soapbox ("Won't somebody please think of the children?!"), this is kinda valid. If the Patriots win the super bowl, it's going to be a big fat downer for 95% of the NFL fans on earth. And we might just grow a little more jaded regarding the league in general.]

That's why the Pats at Colts game Nov. 4 so clearly represents Good vs. Evil. The Colts stand for everything the NFL, and sports enthusiasts, should be proud of. The Colts stand for a positive future for the NFL. The Patriots stand for -- well, wouldn't it be nice if the Patriots would explain to us what they stand for. When Good meets Evil, I know who I'll be rooting for. [Of course, we have to end with some hyperbole]

So, what can I say to wrap things up? I think if you're a New England fan, you should be content to either ignore the few corners of the internet that aren't back to heaping praise on the Pats, or embrace the evil empire role. You're already the member of one evil empire*, the one the Red Sox have created in baseball, and you might as well stay consistent.

CLE at STL: CLE
NYG at MIA: NYG
IND at CAR: IND
DET at CHI: CHI
PIT at CIN: PIT
PHI at MIN: PHI
OAK at TEN: TEN
BUF at NYJ: BUF
JAX at TB: JAX
HOU at SD: SD
NO at SF: NO
WAS at NE: NE
GB at DEN: GB

*And no, I'm not saying the Sox are "evil" in the same sense that the Patriots are "arrogant", so you don't need to rebut this. It's just that the Red Sox have become the Yankees, and Manny Ramirez is the single greatest example of what's wrong with modern day players.

2007-10-20T10:22:00.000-05:00

It's bye week time for the Packers, and yet somehow, the NFL world continues to turn:

BAL at BUF. Right now Vegas has 3:2 odds on Willis McGahee not making it out of Buffalo alive. Upset special. BUF.

TEN at HOU. I don't know if Vince Young is playing or not, but the mere threat of 4 quarters worth of Kerry Collins is enough to make me go the other way. HOU.

TB at DET. Here, we have two teams that would be about 2-4 at this point if they were in the AFC. It's also "the league's premier matchup of quarterbacks who best straddle the line between washed-up and never-has-been". TB.

ARI at WAS. Santana Moss took himself out of the Packers game last week, not because of an injury, but because of how badly he was stinking up the place. I hope Dan Snyder follows suit and removes himself from the stadium this week. WAS.

SF at NYG. I have nothing to say here, so that seems to indicate GIDCAOTW. NYG.

ATL at NO. I think someone should start a petition to change Byron Leftwich's preferred moniker from "the black Dan Marino" to "the bad Dan Marino". We're colorblind here at Mount Athos. NO.

NE at MIA. Ok, I've tried to force the Dolphins into an upset special the past two weeks, and despite some decent performances, they've failed me each time. I'll try to use some reverse voodoo here and pick the Patriots, in secret hopes that a shocker is pulled off. NE.

KC at OAK. Yuck. The last time this matchup was relevant was when the Chiefs were playing Martyball and the Raiders were playing AlDavisIsLosingTouchWithRealityball (A.K.A. "Any passes less than 40 years downfield are strictly prohibited!"). OAK.

NYJ at CIN. I'm having a bit of fun imagining theses two teams with their quarterbacks transposed. In that scenario, the Jets may actually be a playoff-caliber team, and the Bengals would be a crime against nature. Also, I'm fairly sure that Chad Johnson would have killed Pennington by this point, after one too many "I was wide open 20 yards downfield"/I told you, I can't throw it that far!" exchanges. CIN.

MIN at DAL. Viking fans should be acting like their doctor just told them they have six months to live: enjoy every minute you have of a healthy Adrian Peterson, because there aren't many left. DAL.

CHI at PHI. Speaking of Peterson's breakout, aren't players regarded as the "best linebacker in the history of the universe, or any other universe, come to think of it" supposed to stop things like that from happening? Brian, look at me when I'm talking to you! PHI.

STL at SEA. I get sick everytime I think about how little the Seahawks have to do to win their division every year. SEA.

PIT at DEN. Well, at least the Rockies are doing well... PIT.

IND at JAX. It's time for the annual "biggest game of the last decade" for the Jags, where they have a chance to move from "good" to "contender" status, a game which they invariably lose. So why am I getting suckered in here? JAX.

2007-10-13T22:06:00.000-05:00

My weekend has been consumed with putting up a fence in the backyard (yes, it is as exciting as it sounds!), so unfortunately it's abbreviated picks only this week:

MIN at CHI: MIN. Upset special I.
MIA at CLE: MIA. Upset special II.
WAS at GB: GB.
CIN at KC: CIN.
PHI at NYJ: PHI.
TEN at TB: TEN.
HOU at JAX: JAX.
STL at BAL: BAL.
CAR at AZ: AZ.
NE at DAL: NE.
OAK at SD: SD.
NO at SEA: SEA.
NYG at ATL: NYG. GIDCAOTW - I'm sure ESPN is thrilled to see this one....

2007-10-06T21:33:00.000-05:00

I'll get right on to business this week...

JAX at KC: This is exactly the kind of game the up-and-down jags always find a way to lose, but I just cannot imagine the Chiefs with a winning record. JAX.

AZ at STL: If NFL Quarterbacks were Jelly Belly flavors, Gus Ferotte would be Buttered Popcorn. AZ.

ATL at TEN: If NFL Quarterbacks were Jelly Belly flavors, Joey Harrington would be Tutti-Frutti. TEN.

CLE at NE: I love how ESPN played the "We're outraged that the Patriots are cheaters!" angle for exactly one week before resuming their lovefest for the team that just happens to be right down the road from Bristol. Don't be surprised that any continued dissenting voices (pronouced: TMQ )become incapacitated by mysterious "accidents" in the near future. NE.

CAR at NO: One of those games where I feel like my chances would be better if I just didn't pick a winner. However, NO.

NYJ at NYG: If the Jets couldn't beat Buffalo in a game they really needed last week, what chance do they have against the 8-8-bound Giants? I'm starting to think that Tom Coughlin will somehow do just enough to get invited back for another year, thus guaranteeing the Giant's wont be good for another year. NYG.

SEA at PIT: Two winning teams, so what? GIDCAOTW. PIT.

DET at WAS: Anyone remember the last time Detroit played on the road against an NFC West opponent? WAS.

MIA at HOU: Crap, used my GIDCAOTW too early. Miami's going to win one sometime...egh...upset special...although I'm not exactly confidant about it. MIA.

TB at IND: Like I said after stupidly picking against Indy in week one, you should never pick against the Colts at home. IND.

SD at DEN: Norv certainly hasn't disappointed me this year, but Denver is a just-plain-bad team, and Mike Shanahan needs his comeuppance, 5-11 style. SD.

BAL at SF: If you told me that, regardless of whether the Ravens were going with Steve McNair or Kyle Boller, they'd have the quarterbacking edge in this weeks matchup, I would not believe you. BAL.

CHI at GB: I'm kinda disappointed that Chris has started regularly picking the Packers, even though I'm sure it's tearing him up inside. I really liked getting that extra game up on him every week - it almost made up for the pains I endured during the 4-12 season. GB.

DAL at BUF: I'm actually enjoying the Monday Night announcing team this year, for the first time in forever. I think that "forever" just happens to coincide with Joe Theisman's run on the show, shockingly enough. DAL.

2007-09-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

They always say the NFL season is a marathon, not a sprint. I'll admit it feels like a marathon when your team sucks, but really, when all other reasonably major sports play 50+ games, is it an accurate statement? Where am I going with this? I have no idea - let's just move on to the picks....

HOU at ATL: Part of me is really hoping Matt Schaub has a big game here, further exacerbating the pain of Falcons fans. But most of me is just hoping to watch Joey Harrington get outplayed once again. HOU.

NYJ at BUF: For all I know, Todd Collins is currently quarterbacking the Bills. NYJ.

BAL at CLE: Last week did nothing to disprove the "Ravens = AFC Bears" theory, but luckily for them, they don't have to pin their hopes on Brian Griese this week. BAL.

STL at DAL: I've been having a hard time hating one of the Packers' traditional enemies, the Cowboys, recently, what with their Bears bashing, and their "Aw shucks, I can't believe someone put me in charge again" head coach, Wade Phillips. Oh, wait, I just remembered T.O. plays for them, scratch that. DAL.

CHI at DET: I was surprised that everyone else was surprised at the Eagles' success against Detroit's D last week. People completely forget that Detroit's wins this year were against Minnesota and Oakland, two of the most ineffective offenses the league has seen since the dead-ball era. CHI, in the weirdest upset special I've ever picked.

OAK at MIA: Oh no, oh no, oh god no. GIDCAOTW. MIA.

GB at MIN: At some point, I will no longer be ridiculed for picking the Packers every week. GB.

SEA at SF: The sad thing here is that one of these two teams will win the horrific NFC west. Perhaps even more sad is that the NFC west has been consistently this horrific for over a decade now. SEA.

TB at CAR: If you've jumped on the Bucs bandwagon, I hope you kept your receipt. CAR.

DEN at IND: As predicted right here, the Broncos were shown up as the frauds they are last week. This week I'm predicting 35+ from the Colts in another embarrassing loss. IND.

PIT at AZ: Yes, I know that everyone is playing the Arizona coach revenge angle, but c'mon, they're using situational quarterbacks. PIT.

KC at SD: The only reasonable explanation of why Norv Turner was hired by the Chargers is that it was the direct result of a drunken boast by A.J. Smith, e.g. "I've put so much ****ing talent on this team that we'd win with Norv ****ing Turner as our head coach!" Sorry, but you underestimated Norv's powers.... SD.

PHI at NYG: I've seen both these teams already this year, and the Giants are unquestionably worse. PHI.

NE at CIN: The Patriots offense vs. the Bengals defense? Are you kidding me? Tom Brady might beat Peyton Manning's season touchdown record by the end of the first half. NE.

2007-09-29T16:15:00.000-05:00

As promised, here's the lengthy "Point-Counterpoint: Belichick's a Jerk" discussion. If any further discussion follows I'll update this post with it. Picks follow.

LF: It's funny - I was going to start this week's picks with a diatribe on the Patriots. Specifically, about how for many years I never minded them even as they won their championships, swayed by the media portrayal of them as scrappy overachievers and the lionization of Brady and Belichick. In this space, I was going to write about how it was becoming increasingly clear that the team in New England was in fact a really unlikable group.

I was planning on doing this before the sign-stealing scandal broke.

Certainly, it seems like the argument is no longer necessary. Now that everyone hates the Patriots, it's safe to say, mission accomplished.

...

To me, the most amazing thing about the Pats scandal is the number of players from other teams across the entire NFL coming out to tell stories about the patriots having their number. If this was really a situation where everyone was doing at least some form of sign-stealing, I don't think you would see this.

CH: I was planning on writing about something other than football to introduce my picks this week, but then the whole Patriots sign-stealing scandal blew up so I guess I must offer my opinion on that. I'll let Lucas yuk it up over there and pretend to be horribly outraged like the rest of the mainstream media, but I will attempt to be fair and even-handed unlike most everyone else.

First of all, I am embarrassed for my team, not because they stole signs, which I'll get to in a moment, but because of how they did it. A guy in a Patriots shirt, who had previously been caught at least once with a video camera on the opposing sidelines violating a rule that had been emphasized 12 months ago. In the immortal words of the Simpsons: "Sometimes I think you *want* to fail!"

But that said, I think that the whole competitive-advantage thing is overblown for 2 reasons:

1) I would cite my source on this, but I read so much about it all this week that I have no recollection which online columnist wrote it. Basically, in response to everyone claiming that that Patriots should have to forfeit games or Super Bowl rings because of the sign-stealing incident, a columnist pointed out that the signs in question are performed by a man standing on the sidelines of a football game witnessed by 60,000+ people. This is not a secret! Even if a team doesn't have a cameraman on the sidelines, they could have a cameraman in the stands zooming in on the coaches across the field just as easily. Even if they have no cameras, a trained observer could most likely pick up the defensive signals just by watching the game in person, assuming a team blitzes enough to be able to see that sign repeated. It's just like in baseball, where the 3rd base coach stands in the field and tells the batter whether to bunt or the runner whether to steal. If a team stole enough bases during the game where you could get a look at the steal signal enough, you could pick it up easily. The reason most teams can't is that stolen bases and bunts are rare enough that the sample size is too small to make correlations (especially in the American League, where you're more likely to see a triple play than a bunt).

2) As Lucas pointed out, we are all of a sudden subjected to the collective whinings of players beaten by the Patriots in the past. I find the Packers reference particularly funny, since the Pats won that game 35-0. Even if you assume that they scored all 35 points because they were able to pick up blitzes (which, as everyone admits, is really the only advantage you get from stealing defensive signals), that still makes the score 0-0. The Packers still don't win the game. But at least in that case it was a defensive player complaining. I've also read a number of stories about offensive players complaining about the sign-stealing. I'm not sure how the Patriots defense would have an advantage by knowing the opposing team's defensive signs, but by all means now you have an excuse for why you got sick in the huddle during the Super Bowl, Donovan McNabb.

The most absurd thing I read this week was that the sign stealing is worse for the sport than HGH/steroid use. One of these 2 things is a federal crime and potentially causes bodily damage to yourself and others (see: Benoit, Chris). The other may or may not even provide a competitive advantage at all, as the stats bear out (in multiple ways). But by all means, lets all knee-jerk overreact so we have something to write about all week.

LF: Ok, Chris, I figured you would take the apologist route, and that's just fine - it's your right as a normal, illogical NFL fan. But the one thing I can't take lying down is being lumped in with the rest of the media. So if you're looking for a rebuttal, here it is:

1) I never made any statement about the punishment being too lenient. Of course asking them to forfeit games is ridiculous.

2) I never made any statement about competitive balance being significantly altered, or any statement that the outcome 35-0 game would have been significantly different (nor did the article in question).

3) I never expressed anything close to "outrage". Pure amusement at their hubris, nothing more.

Out of the two articles you cited, the first is written by a Patriots fan (don't think I don't read Bill Simmons too - I agreed with most of Bill's points in his column, particularly the Nixon parallel, but Mr. Aaron Schatz came off looking like a complete homer), and the second is entirely based on the theory that "If the Patriots have been exploiting signal stealing regularly in past years, we would expect them to have an advantage against teams they play more than once in a season", which is shaky at best.

I think you need to re-read my post, because the only point I was making is that the Patriots have turned in to an unlikeable organization, and deserve to be disliked by opposing teams, players, and fans - basically anyone who isn't a Patriots backer. If you're really trying to dispute me, you're going to have to show me that Belichick is actually a nice guy who doesn't deserve to be loathed, so have fun with that.

CH: OK, I'll admit I took out my anger at the media in general (Tuesday Morning Quarterback this week, what the hell?) on you, but you bring up an important point in your comment. What does Belichick's personality have to do with whether or not a team deserves to be liked or disliked? Belichick's job is to win as many games as possible.

All of the things he does with regards to the media further that goal, be it purposefully misrepresenting his team's injury situation (this I think is worse than the sign-stealing in terms of competitive advantage and it seems like this year in changing the rules about reporting injuries the NFL is at least attempting to regulate it), parroting the same boring messages every week at press conferences (in order for the team to keep an even keel and remain only focused on the next game, he needs to set the example himself), and not allowing himself or his players to trash talk to the media (Tomlinson may have gotten upset about the situation at the end of the Chargers playoff game last year, but that was an isolated incident). As a person, is he likable? No one really knows. Reporters who do talk football with him during the offseason have reported that when discussing game strategy he is friendly and engaging. In reality you can't really judge a person by how the media portrays them (Britney Spears excluded).

As for the team itself, like any team they have likable and unlikable players. I would argue that Tedy Bruschi is extremely likable, Rodney Harrison not so much (although he is an excellent veteran leader). Even the Bengals, with all of their criminal problems, have likable players (Chad Johnson, although occasionally crazy).

In closing, I heard the funniest condemnation this week (not of the Patriots, but Tank Johnson) come from Troy Aikman on PTI, who referred to his Cowboys Super Bowl teams as being a team full of high character guys. Let's see, Leon Lett, Nate Newton, Michael Irvin...

LF: Wow, Troy Aikman actually said that? That's the stupidest football-related quote I've heard in a long time, and I hear a lot of stupid football-related quotes. Don't forget Deon Sanders on your list of infamy.

Anyway, I'd like to first mention you made a good point when you questioned whether Belichick's personality should have anything to do with whether a team deserves to be liked or disliked. I would agree to a point - for you, as a Patriots fan, no it shouldn't. For someone who isn't a Patriots fan, either the fan of a rival or a neutral NFL watcher, it's a perfectly good reason to be disliked.

I could have ended on that note, but then, despite your previous statement, you proceeded to make a set of arguments defending his personality anyway, so I'm obliged to reply to those.

Now, I can't make judgments personally, and what the media has put out from anonymous sources about other Belichick misdoings are (at this point) just that - rumors, but the other side of the coin is that you have to dismiss positive media accounts, too. Those are from situations where Belichick is dictating the terms, not the writer. Actual actions, like the videotaping, or my favorite, the waiver claim shenanigans, are the closest thing to evidence that regular fans like you or I can go on. When you 1) try to tell other teams to not sign players you've released despite the fact that you already have the most talented roster in the league, and 2) retaliate when someone dares to disobey you and claimed a player that they had every right to acquire, by revenge-claiming one of their players out of spite, that's pretty strong evidence that you are acting, in the technical sense, "like a jerk". Yes, Brad Childress is a dope who routinely mentions personal stuff to the media when most coaches (justifiably) would keep it "in house", but the side effect of his loose lips is that he gives one of the most unfiltered pictures of Belichick that we have to go on, and it's not pretty. (Side note: If the NFL was a mafia movie, Childress would be the first guy to get whacked)

In closing, I think you're slowly drawing asymptotically closer to the argument that "I don't care if he's a jerk, because he helps the Patriots win games", which is different (and entirely more defensible) than your "he's not a jerk, because he helps the Patriots win games" line of responses. The funniest part of this whole situation to me is how Patriots fans, like you and your buddy Bill Simmons, somehow believe that rationality is on their side, and that it's everyone else on earth who alters the facts, because they're out to get you. Well, the part about us being out to get you is true, but the rest isn't, as far as I can tell. Heaven save us from a world where fans actually admit their irrational love for a particular team. I wanted to again stress that I'd have no argument with you taking the irrational approach. You could go disputing what everyone outside of New England sees as a forgone conclusion and I wouldn't be able to say anything contrary. Heck, I don't think you'd be a good Patriots fan if you didn't.

2007-09-23T09:36:00.000-05:00

On we go to week 3 picks. I was going to lead in with another rebuttal of Chris's latest tapegate comments, but instead I'll be continuing that discussion in the comments of his original post. I'll then post the whole conversation here next week, because I think it deserves it own post, being significantly more thought-out on both sides than any discussion you'd see on even the best of the "loudmouth sportswriters arguing" shows (i.e PTI). In fact, I'd go as far as suggesting that Chris and I should similarly duke it out on other sports topics in the NFL offseason, just to keep things interesting around here. We just need a good format for people to submit Point-Couterpoint topics (e.g. "Point-Counterpoint: Belichick's a Jerk")

ARI at BAL: Chris couldn't manage to take the upset special bait, but I will, after coming to the realization that the Ravens are the Bears of the AFC (horrible offense, especially at QB, overrated D led by a superhyped MLB)and should be likewise rooted against. Upset Special. ARI.

SD at GB: A Green Bay win seems like a pipe dream here, but Norv Turner can make dreams come true. GB.

STL at TB: Remember when these teams were meeting up in significant playoff games? Neither do I... TB

SF at PIT: I don't have time to do the research, but I'd like to try finding a 2-0 quarterback from the last 50 years with worse numbers than Alex Smith. Unless a string of injuries forced a punter to take his team's offensive snaps, I don't think it's been done. PIT.

DET at PHI: I was feeling pretty stupid after proclaiming that McNabb was recovered from his injury last week, and then watching him push out the mother of all stink bombs against the Redskins. Thanks for supporting my rare show of faith, Donovan. Anyway, the Eagles need this game so very much more than the Lions do. PHI.

MIA at NYJ: This here sounds like a GIDCAOTW, doesn't it? NYJ.

BUF at NE: My contacts deep inside the Patriots organization are telling me that, heartless as always, Bill Belichick is putting together a gameplan specifically designed to make an already emotionally torn Bills team feel even worse about itself, entitled "Operation: Insult the crybabies". Now that I've dropped this bombshell, prepare for another media firestorm. NE.

MIN at KC: Chris has already broken from his intention of picking against the Chiefs for every game this year, but I don't blame him one bit for this one. Minnesota, welcome to Embarrassmenttown (current population: Bengals). KC.

IND at HOU: Every year I talk about how part of the Colts' record is due to them playing Houston at least 5 times a year. And yet I am ignored - blacklisted, if you will - by the media, the schedule makers, the league office, and even the commissioner himself. Somebody should be losing draft picks here, Roger. IND.

CIN at SEA: Where does "being absolutely shredded by Derek Anderson" rank on the list of all time most embarrassing NFL moments? My vote: right behind a rarely mentioned 1983 Eagles-Saints matchup when the entire New Orleans offensive line somehow forgot to wear pants. SEA.

CLE at OAK: Meanwhile, the Browns are obviously way too full of themselves right now, but the alternative would mean picking the Raiders, which is simply unacceptable. CLE.

JAX at DEN: The Jags, no matter how mediocre in reality, always manage to put together a few very impressive wins per year, and I feel one coming on now. JAX.

NYG at WAS: I was absolutely shocked when the Giants quit midway through the third quarter last week. Shocked. Quitting on Tom Coughlin. Shocked. WAS.

CAR at ATL: I laugh in your general direction, Bill Simmons and all others who inexplicably showed faith in Joey Harrington. Why haven't you been reading this site for the past three years? CAR.

DAL at CHI: Ah, the team I hated most a decade ago vs. the team I hate most now. As you know, I've never had issues with my current personal sentiments affecting my picks, so DAL.

TEN at NO: I'm pretty sure that ESPN has spent all week preparing fancy introductory graphics for Reggie Bush and Vince Young, since they're the only two players participating in this game, according to their crack research team. Incidentally, the crack research team had an entirely different function when the network employed Michael Irvin... (rim shot) NO.

2007-09-15T19:40:00.000-05:00

It's funny - I was going to start this week's picks with a diatribe on the Patriots. Specifically, about how for many years I never minded them even as they won their championships, swayed by the media portrayal of them as scrappy overachievers and the lionization of Brady and Belichick. In this space, I was going to write about how it was becoming increasingly clear that the team in New England was in fact a really unlikable group.

I was planning on doing this before the sign-stealing scandal broke.

Certainly, it seems like the argument is no longer necessary. Now that everyone hates the Patriots, it's safe to say, mission accomplished.

CIN at CLE: Brady Quinn, human Panic Button, prepare to be pushed. CIN.

ATL at JAX: My expectations for the Jags have never been lower after their showing last week, but they have to win at least a couple games. This seems like as good a place as any. JAX.

GB at NYG: The Giants are playing coy with all their injuries, but as long as Tom Coughlin is around it won't matter much. GB.

IND at TEN: I'm already kicking myself for going against Indy last week. I'm now at least convinced they'll be dominant at home this year, and good enough on the road to beat dregs like the Titans. IND.

NO at TB: Drew Brees looked like he spent the offseason training at Tony Banks' quarterback camp. TB.

SF at STL: Ah yes, the "overrated fantasy running back whose upright, hard charging style will certainly lead to an early career burnout, and who isn't that great even when he's healthy" matchup of the year! Pick: STL.

HOU at CAR: If you're excited about the Texans, I really admire your optimism. Pick: CAR.

BUF at PIT: I feel like I gotta have an upset special somewhere, and this seems best to me. If you've detected some uncertainty here, I have two letters for you: J and P. BUF.

SEA at ARI: Bold prediction: after Matt Leinart's career is over, he'll have at least one Joe Namath - Suzy Kolber moment on national TV. Pick: ARI.

MIN at DET: I can see it now, Adrian Peterson gets another hundred yard game in garbage time against a horrible Lions defense and the media practically wets their pants, crowning him the league's next great offensive player. Remember what I said about upright, hard-charging running backs? Oh, and yes, that means Detroit wins, and yes, that makes me sick. Pick: DET.

DAL at MIA: The Cowboys' secondary is a disaster, but don't count on Trent Green being able to exploit it. Pick: DAL.

OAK at DEN: Last week Detroit, now Denver: beating the Raiders may count as a win in the standings, but it tells you nothing about your team. DEN.

NYJ at BAL: Wow, I just realized that the Ravens haven't had a single good quarterback in the history of the franchise. Ray Lewis, if you want to kill a few people (or at least be accessory to killing a few people), I'll understand. BAL.

KC at CHI: Chicago on their first bye week of the year. Pick: CHI.

SD at NE: To me, the most amazing thing about the Pats scandal is the number of players from other teams across the entire NFL coming out to tell stories about the patriots having their number. If this was really a situation where everyone was doing at least some form of sign-stealing, I don't think you would see this. SD.

WAS at PHI: Donovan McNabb actually looked all the way back from his injury running and passing last week, it's too bad for the Eagles that they didn't have him returning punts as well. PHI.

2007-09-08T20:55:00.000-05:00

So, I see Chris is back, and ready to start the season with a low blow. I guess he's still just bitter after my come from behind victory (over him, at least) in the final week last season.

TEN at JAX. I actually think that David Garrard will flourish without Lord Byron breathing down his neck, but at the same time, I've learned that the Jags can be counted on for absolutely nothing. JAX.

ATL at MIN. Wow, can't wait for the quarterback matchup in this one. ATL.

PIT at CLE. Although I care about more games than normal on the first week of the season, picking a GIDCAOTW still wasn't that tough. GIDCAOTW. PIT.

KC at HOU. KC gets the early lead in the chase for worst in the AFC. HOU.

PHI at GB. I honestly think the Packers will have a pretty decent team, but when I look at their schedule, I just want to dial M for Murderousness. GB.

NE at NYJ. With the amount of hype the Patriots have received this offseason, not declaring them overrated would be a breach of the laws of physics. Upset special. NYJ.

DEN at BUF. Can someone explain to my why everyone thinks Jay Cutler is a top 10 NFL quarterback right now? Ok, I'll admit he's in the top 25, which makes him better than J.P. Losman, who just managed to crack the list of top 25 quarterbacks who go by their initials, right between A.J. Feeley and T.J. Rubley. DEN.

CAR at STL. Before you anoint the Rams as the NFC West frontrunner, try naming one person who plays defense for them. CAR.

MIA at WASH. You know you're in for a long season if you're expecting Trent Green to be your savior. WASH.

TB at SEA. If you still don't think that John Gruden is a fraud, this year should be your proof. SEA.

DET at OAK. I really hope Al Davis manages to stay alive for another decade or so, because if his craziness continues to progress at the rate it has been recently, we could be in for quite the treat in 2015. It will probably be something like how Matt Millen is behaving now. OAK.

CHI at SD. Two talented teams that will have to come back from big disappointments last year, but only one has Rex Grossman. SD.

NYG at DAL. Want a challenge? Try writing a 300 word essay about why the Giants made a good decision by bringing Tom Coughlin back for another year. I'm pretty sure it can't be done. DAL.

BAL at CIN. I'm sorry, but I just can't see a broken down Steve McNair leading the Ravens anywhere significant this year. CIN.

ARI at SF. The trendiest team of the year vs. a team that hasn't been trendy in at least 30 years. ARI.

2007-09-05T21:53:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure who else is officially "in" for picks this year, but I figure that I could get the ball rolling. I'll do the full slate before Sunday, but here's the appetizer game:

NO at IND. Everything I see seems to point to Indy being a classic one-and-done champion. Their already poor defense lost some good players, Peyton Manning will definitely miss Tarik Glenn, and they won't face Rex Grossman every week. I'm not sold on the Saints but I think the Colts may be headed for an 8-8ish season or worse. NO.

2007-07-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

I received this mysterious letter in the mail a while ago - looks like its something pretty urgent and unquestionably official. I especially like how they put the important message in quotes. After all, which sounds better, stuffy old Important, or "Important", which allows pretty much any reader to interpret the gravity of the situation however they want?

2007-07-09T20:37:00.000-05:00

Over the past year or so, I've become more and more attached to Pandora, and not just because it's a fine (and rare) example of a forward-looking technology in the horribly misguided music industry. It also happens to be a great source for discovering old stuff you would never hear normally, or even old album covers that provide infinite entertainment value, like this one:

You have to admire the literalness. Just imagine the brainstorming sessions:

Album designer 1: Ok, this one's got a song called "pickin' wild mountain berries"
Album designer 2: Hey, let's have them picking wild mountain berries!
Album designer 1: ....and holding hands!
Album designer 2: How are they going to pick the berries if they're holding hands?
Album designer 1: I don't know, it doesn't matter - it's just setting the mood.
Album designer 2: Oh, I get it! Hey, let's turn that mood level up another notch by putting them in a pink circle!
Album designer 3: Sounds good, but we have to focus: how will people know that they're picking wild mountain berries?
Album designer 1: How about giving JoJo a bucket....a bucket that's color-coordinated with his sweater and hat!
Album designer 2: What's the bucket for?
Album designer 1: The wild mountain berries, what else would it be for?
Album designer 2: Of course!....Ok, send JoJo and Peggy off to the nearest wooded area, let's get this done today! Now, what's a soul shake?

They just don't do this kind of thing anymore, and it's a doggone shame.

2007-05-11T17:12:00.001-05:00

I love Vernon Wells

2007-04-26T20:16:00.000-05:00

This is one angry baby. I saw it in a recent joystiq post and laughed continuously for at least 15 minutes. It gets funnier the longer you stare at it, although at some point it becomes far too intimidating and you have to divert your gaze. To appropriate an obscure Futurama reference: "It's too grumpy!"

Also, check out google's recent addition of homepage themes, making it just that much easier to zone out at work (thanks Jeff)

2007-03-21T18:56:00.000-05:00

With most spring training camps winding down in the next week or so, another season of baseball is here. Once again, I'm overly enthusiastic about the Brewers chances, but I'm also looking forward to the latest release of Out Of The Park Baseball, a non-graphical simulation game targeted at criminally insane baseball nerds.

Anyway, I bring this all up largely to segue into the following quote lifted from someone on the OOTP forums, which in turn was lifted from Dave Barry (as most good quotes are):

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

2007-03-08T20:37:00.000-06:00

Spring is right around the corner, which means it's time for me to emerge from my darkened burrow and announce this year's Hatty awards. Please, no wagering...

This year the field was surprisingly strong - strong enough, in fact, to allow me a first for this award, a real nominees list:

The Last King of Scotland: Forest Whitaker constantly alternating between a combination cap and a garrison cap*

Letters from Iwo Jima: helped by the fact that most japanese soldiers apparently weren't equipped well enough to have true helmets (you know where I stand on the hat/helmet matter), which meant more screen time for lots of little green field caps

Pirates of the Caribbean: c'mon, it's pirates...

The Prestige: much higher tophat and bowler concentrations that that other magician movie.

The Queen: a movie about Queen Elizabeth, who's the leading member of what is perhaps the most hat-centeric population segment in the world today - namely, old aristocratic British ladies.

And the winner is... The Last King of Scotland. Just too many hats to pass up

*Yes, I had to consult wikipedia for the correct terminology. I'm in desperate need of an apparently non-existant hat identification chart. We'll just have to do someting about that, check back here later...

2007-02-18T20:37:00.000-06:00

The following comes from a lead-tainted lunchbox "front page" story on CNN

When it comes to a lunchbox, it's carried. The food that you put in the lunch box may have an outer wrapping, a baggie, so there isn't direct exposure. The direct exposure would be if kids were putting their lunchboxes in their mouth, which isn't a common way for children to interact with their lunchbox," said CPSC spokeswoman Julie Vallese.

Lady, you have no idea.

2007-02-04T09:54:00.000-06:00

To close out this year's picks, I will not only be picking the winner of the game, but prognosticating on other matters as well.

Despite nearly 100 players seeing the field, the announcing squad will spend at least 80% of their time talking about Brian Urlacher, Rex Grossman, and Peyton Manning.
Prince will act like a wierdo during the halftime show
Devin Hester, who everyone says is the X-factor of this game, will do nothing notable.
The announcers will at least once state "there has been so much talk about (fill in topic here)" without acknowledging that they are part of the media machine that has been solely responsible for that talk.
If there are any emerald nuts commercials, they will be funny
No matter how good, mediocre, or horrible Rex Grossman plays, the announcers will mention "inconsistency" or "stepping up" in every statement made about him
"Thumb" will be the most often-mentioned body part
All Chicagoland will be in a deep depression tomorrow, because
The Colts will win the game

Yes, I know that's a lot of broadcast team related slams, so I will at least say thank goodness we don't have to deal with the Buck/Aikman or Michaels/Madden teams this year. Congratulations, Phil Simms and Jim Nantz, you're the least horrific of three evils.

Thanks for your patience, you can now expect me to go back to periodic content-related posting now.

2007-01-21T09:39:00.000-06:00

Just remembered to do picks this morning, so it's good there are only a couple games.

NE at IND. Peyton Manning will probably not have a good game, but the Pats would still need another all-the-breaks type performance to win here again, and that seems to not happen two weeks in a row. Plus, I've never been one to put much faith in the previous-playoff domination theories at work here - if anything, I think it gives an edge to the team that's been repeatedly beaten. IND.

NO at CHI. The better team wins. NO.

At least a Saints-Colts matchup* would be exciting, for a change. I still feel sick when I think of how bad Big Ben was in The Big Game* last year. Heinz Ward was the best quarterback on the field that day.

*Remember, you can't use that other phrase to describe the matchup, or the NFL will send its goon squad and the ghost of Lamar Hunt after you.

2007-01-12T18:26:00.000-06:00

I'm never sure how "official" these postseason picks are, but since Chris and Brian are continuing on, so will I....

IND at BAL. Everything seems to point to the Ravens in this one, which means Indy may actually have a chance. However, I just can't force myself to make the pick. BAL.

PHI at NO. The NFC's so down right now that the Saints, who would have finished at or below .500 in the AFC, honestly look like the favorite to come out of the b-grade conference. NO.

SEA at CHI. Chicago gets to play the only team still in the playoffs that they're actually capable of beating. CHI.

NE at SD. I can already see Chris writhing in pain, as Schottie puts off the post-season choke job for at least a week. SD.

2007-01-06T12:51:00.000-06:00

In a dramatic turn of events, I pulled out all the stops last week to rush past Chris and Peter King in the standings. Talk about a dramatic ending...

Anyway, for the playoffs, lets just go with all the favorites this week: IND, SEA, NE, PHI

2006-12-30T17:10:00.000-06:00

Ok, the final week finds me one game behind Chris, and, even worse, two games behind Peter King. (Brian has locked the thing up, but I bear no ill will towards him, so that's beside the point....)

NYG at WAS: Two times makes it an offical trend: When Tom Coughlin's teams go down, they go down hard. WAS.

PIT at CIN: I saw a bit of the Bengals for the first time this year on Christmas Eve, and that was more than enough for me. Wrecking the Bengals here would make the Steelers feel a little better about themselves - upset special. PIT.

DET at DAL: It's come down to the wire between Detroit and Oakland for the number one pick and a shot at Brady Quinn - Of course, it won't matter much to Matt Millen, who's only scouting receivers. DAL.

NE at TEN: Vince Young saved Jeff Fisher's job this year, and I don't know if that's a good thing for the Titans. TEN.

JAX at KC: Everybody Loves Maurice Jones-Drew. Why did this guy pick up an extra name when he went from UCLA to the NFL? KC.

STL at MIN: Nice stat line by Tavaris Jackson last week. If the game went 8 quarters, he might have had a shot at 100 passing yards. Still, expect the Rams to choke here. MIN.

CAR at NO: Carolina has a sliver of a chance to still get in, which should be enough to get past the Saints. CAR.

OAK at NYJ: Now this is a matchup you like to see if a) your team needs a win to get in and b) You're inexplicably a Jets fan. NYJ.

SEA at TB: Gruden, please stop stalling, just give your championship ring to Tony Dungy, and the matter can be closed. How does this guy get respect when he's basically Barry Switzer part II? SEA.

CLE at HOU: Wow....GIDCAOTW, in a surprisingly easy call. HOU.

SF at DEN: Anyone who is now considering Denver to be a contender for the AFC crown needs to change their medication. DEN.

MIA at IND: One more year of the Colts' offensive juggernaut wasted on a team that just can't afford to play defense. IND.

ATL at PHI: Jim Mora Jr., you have a lot to learn from pops in the public relations department...PHI.

AZ at SD: Two teams that looked kinda similar coming into the season. Oh wait, I forgot about defense. SD.

BUF at BAL: This team does look a lot like the Baltimore team that somehow won the Super Bowl a few years back, but the AFC seems to be quite a bit stronger now. Expect a quick exit. BAL.

GB at CHI: Even more amazing than the Packers' shot at the playoffs is the fact that they would own a 5-1 record against the NFC Central if they can beat the Bears here. Talk about pathetic. GB.

2006-12-24T10:04:00.000-06:00

Pulling out some outlandish picks this week to attempt to make up lost ground.....

CAR at ATL: Carolina's season was a disaster, but they've always been good at being a thorn in the side at this time of year. Upset Special 1. CAR.

TEN at BUF: When Vince Young was drafted, I was sure the Titans just landed the best quarterback to come out in the last few years. And then my brain started to be rotted by people who talked about his throwing motion and whatnot. Now, of course, the media has done a complete about-face on the guy and, and I feel ashamed for ever having paid attention to them in the first place. The guy is not Michael Vick, and that's good enough for me. TEN.

TB at CLE: Hi, GIDCAOTW. TB.

CHI at DET: Chicago's second team vs. the Lions at home? Ech, I can't believe I'm doing this but...DET.

WAS at STL: The Rams are a bad, bad team, and really need to be shown the playoff door at this point. Upset Special 2. WAS.

NO at NYG: It's almost impossible to imagine the Giants winning again this year. NO.

BAL at PIT: I can't think of anything worth talking about here. BAL.

NE at JAX: Jax gets a chance to prove they're legit for like the 9th time this year. JAX.

IND at HOU: Good, it seems like it has been 3 or four weeks since we've seen this matchup. IND.

AZ at SF: Niners, what have you done with the real Alex Smith? You know, the one who's horrible? SF

CIN at DEN: Mike Shanahan and his "I'm smarter than you" moves cheese me off to such an extent that I don't think I've picked the Broncos since about week 4. CIN.

SD at SEA: I think, after last week's performance, we can cross Seattle off the list of NFC Super Bowl contenders. SD.

PHI at DAL: Remember those Jeff Garcia tapes I told you to take last week? Keep them close at hand for this one. DAL.

NYJ at MIA: Harrington vs. Pennington, the snootily British quarterback name matchup of the year. The Lord of New SouthHamptonWellingtonShire is rumoured to be attending. NYJ.

2006-12-22T21:28:00.000-06:00

KC at OAK. First Green Bay - Minny and now this? Boy does the NFL Network know how to pick 'em. KC.

2006-12-20T21:36:00.000-06:00

Lisa says I need to make this post. I say that if there was ever a time when a post could be entirely implied, this would be it. I guess you can figure out who won that argument. GB.

2006-12-16T16:22:00.000-06:00

After watching the Wisconsin men's basketball squad steamroll #2-ranked Pitt earlier today, I headed over to the major sports websites to soak in the glory. What I found was just more confirmation that the number one qualification for professional journalism is the ability to think of headline puns.

before
Originally uploaded by athos.

after
Originally uploaded by athos.

after after
Originally uploaded by athos.

Also, I guess picks are still somehow going on, so here we go:

DAL at ATL. Mike Vick at tailback? What an interesting way of telling the guy he's not cutting it QB-wise....I hope the Giants do the same with Eli next week. DAL.

CLE at BAL. Ok, Browns, we get it...you don't want to play any more this year. You can go home if you want. BAL.

DET at GB. Why did I start chuckling to myself when I got to this match up? GB.

HOU at NE. Brady's getting pissy, but to pick Houston on the road here would be the very definition of insanity. NE.

JAX at TEN. The Jags appear to have broken out their win-loss-win-loss rhythm, and I'm really not convinced that VY can do it against good defenses....yet. JAX.

MIA at BUF. It's hard to judge if all the middling teams in the AFC East are actually middling or really horrible. I guess it doesn't matter, because none are making the playoffs anyway. BUF.

NYJ at MIN. At least we know that the middling teams in the NFC Central are really horrible. NYJ.

PIT at CAR. Wow, how did ESPN not scoop up this game for prime time before the season started? Or is that stupid flex scheduling thing to blame? ESPN desperately needs games like these to throttle its vicious self-hyping cycle. CAR.

TB at CHI. This feels like a good GIDCAOTW. CHI.

WAS at NO. Note to the NFC. When NO is pulling away as one of your top two teams something is seriously screwed up. NO.

DEN at ARI. An excellent opportunity for further Broncos humiliation. Upset Special ARI.

PHI at NYG. Amuse Yourself Suggestion #1: Tape every pregame pundit praising Jeff Garcia this weekend, and then watch it about four weeks from now. Trust me, it will be hilarious. NYG.

STL at OAK. Yuck, yuck, yuck. STL.

KC at SD. So Chris didn't take my bait. Don't blame me for trying, though, I really need him to handicap himself to compensate for my Packers selections....SD.

CIN at IND. Amuse Yourself Suggestion #2: Keep a running tally of the number of times Joe Theismann starts a statement with "Peyton Manning..." vs the number of times Joe Theismann starts a statement with "Carson Palmer...". Whoever scores higher is the real loser. IND.

2006-12-13T21:39:00.000-06:00

ugh..I propose that next year we don't even bother picking Thursday games, on account of them not really existing and whatnot. SEA.

2006-12-09T15:57:00.000-06:00

A year ago, at least I had Samkon Gado going for me. Now, I really am down to nothing.

ATL at TB. The NFC South has become this year's "Mr. Irrelevant". TB.

BAL at KC. Is Baltimore for real? Is KC for real? What the hell does "for real" mean anyway? I guess they are part of what is commonly known as our collective sense of "reality"..... unless you want to start getting all existentialist about it. KC.

IND at JAX. The Jags usually seem to give Indy a hard time, but they won last week, so of course they're going to have a letdown here. IND.

MIN at DET. Errgh...had to repress an upset special, which would have been disastrous. Nobody loses games like Detroit loses games. MIN.

NE at MIA. Ok, the Fins had their nice little mid-season spurt, but c'mon....it's Joey Harrington, people...NE.

NYG at CAR. On a 1-10 scale, Carolina is at implosion level 6. The Giants are at implosion level 85. CAR.

OAK at CIN. I really thought the Bengals were done for the year, both in the standings and in criminal charges. I guess I was wrong. CIN.

PHI at WAS. Upset Special, even thought it shouldn't even really be an upset. WAS.

TEN at HOU. Vince Young Fever...contract it today! Honestly, you can already hear agonized moans coming from Houston. TEN.

GB at SF. Shut up, Ok? I don't want to hear it. GB.

SEA at ARI. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Seattle's getting healthy at the right time, but from the looks of Mike Holmgren, his head is at a serious risk of exploding in the next month or two. SEA.

CIMG4315
Originally uploaded by lmf71080.

BUF at NYJ. The best part of last weeks game (aside from watching Lisa get the real Lambeau experience, frozen toes and all) was watching some punk-@#$ Jets fan and his frosted tips get thrown out of the stadium. NYJ. See pic - yes that is an authentic CRAIG NEWSOME jersey. I know, I know, too cool for words....

DEN at SD. C'mon Chris...you know you want pick against the Chargers...Marty says you're a chicken if you don't...SD.

NO at DAL. You guys do know that Tony Romo is a native Wisconsinite, right? That's why he'll secretly blow the big game for the Cowboys in the playoffs, like any upstanding Badger citizen would. Thanks ahead of time, Tony. DAL.

CHI at STL. Rex Grossman did his best to fulfill my upset special last week, but the Vikings are so incompetent they couldn't even close the deal. At least the Rams have a bit more offense to play with. Upset Special #2. STL.

2006-12-06T21:19:00.000-06:00

It's times like these when I think I just want the NFL to close up shop already...PIT

2006-12-02T10:13:00.000-06:00

I'm going to have to turn in my "no commentary" card this week, as I'll be leaving shortly to visit friends and eventually make my way up to Lambeau for the game on Sunday. I'll return with either a newfound appreciation for NFL football or a deep, festering hole in the pit of my stomach. Can't wait to find out, eh?

AZ at STL. STL.
ATL at WAS. WAS.
DET at NE. NE.
IND at TEN. IND.
KC at CLE. KC.
MIN at CHI. MIN. Upset Special.
NYJ at GB. GB.
SD at BUF. SD.
SF at NO. NO.
HOU at OAK. Holy GIDCAOTW, Batman! HOU.
JAX at MIA. JAX.
DAL at NYG. DAL.
TB at PIT. Yuck. TB.
SEA at DEN. Best matchup of overrated teams so far this year. SEA.
CAR at PHI. CAR.

2006-11-29T20:40:00.000-06:00

I don't know why this should even be considered a game, considering that there's no way in hell I'd be able to watch it, but anyway...

BAL at CIN: Before the Pittsburgh smackdown last week, I'd have called the upset here, but I can't see the pathetic Cincy D giving up less than 20 points, which should be more than Baltimore needs to win. BAL

2006-11-25T16:17:00.000-06:00

Okay...I'm tired of trying to resist...I want a Wii for Christmas.

AZ at MIN. The Vikings get to temporarily turn the Longboat around, but it won't last long. MIN.

CAR at WAS. Washington plans to start Earnest Byner at RB this week. CAR.

CIN at CLE. Cleveland is the "Triple Word Score" in my internal GIDCAOTW scoring. CIN.

HOU at NYJ. Dang it, as we can plainly see, this is the time of year when the previously mentioned GIDCAOTW starts becoming hotly contested. NYJ.

JAX at BUF. The Jags, coming off a huge win, are almost certain to blow a cupcake like this, but I just can't pick Buffalo after having to sit through three hours of Losman earlier this year. JAX.

NO at ATL. Evidently, domes and overhyped teams/players go together very well. ATL.

PIT at BAL. Will you stop trying already, Pittsburgh? We all know it's done. BAL.

SF at STL. The Niners, of course, are the chic pick here, but that would make them 6-5, which is just ludicrous. STL.

OAK at SD. If you haven't figured it out, my support of the Chargers (and correspondingly, Chris's reluctance to support the Chargers) is one of the main reasons I'm on top this year. Remember, Martyball sucks during the playoffs, not the regular season. SD.

CHI at NE. No, the Pats aren't quite as good as they looked last week, and they could get lenient here, but the Bears really need to go down. NE.

NYG at TEN. The Giants are in meltdown mode, perhaps to the point where they would lose to the Titans. Upset special. TEN.

PHI at IND. I have nothing against McNabb, but I do have a great deal against everyone else in Philly, so I'm looking forward to a beatdown here. A.J. Feely or Jeff Garcia, I can't lose! IND.

GB at SEA. Hello, my weekly handicap. GB.

2006-11-22T19:21:00.000-06:00

Three games tomorrow? What is this, the CFL?

MIA at DET: Did these teams just play? Wait, no that was the Fins against the other NFC Central Doormat. Anyway, expect the same result. MIA.

TB at DAL: I have to admit, I'm confused by the Tony Romo man love that's rampant right now. I'm not saying he won't turn out to be a decent quarterback, but the media's treating him like he's some Troy Aikman/Michael Vick superhybrid. And by "media" I mean the world leader in content-free sports reporting, ESPN. TB.

DEN at KC: Finally, my prophesy of Denver's downfall is starting to come to fruition. KC.

2006-11-18T16:22:00.000-06:00

Just picks this week...

ATL at BAL: I challenge you to name one halfway decent WR playing in this game. I'll check back in later. BAL.

BUF at HOU: The Red & Blue Terrible Two. But when one team starts J.T. Losman (he of the prophetic surname), the pick is a bit easier. HOU.

CHI at NYJ: As much as I'd love to see the Bears lose, the fact that everyone else is calling this as an upset special makes a Jets win very unlikely. CHI.

CIN at NO: Note to Cincy management: Prison labor squads have never been known for their outstanding productivity. NO.

MIN at MIA: After watching last week's Pack/Vikings game, I can state with some confidence that the Packers are at least the second best team in the conference. And that's pretty sad. MIA.

NE at GB: Speaking of which, I really can't think of any reason the Packers would win this game. GB.

OAK at KC: No more wins for you, Oakland. KC.

PIT at CLE: Twice every year this matchup comes around and, just like clockwork, I fail to care about it. CLE.

STL at CAR: With every loss, the Rams' 4-1 start seems more and more laughable. CAR.

TEN at PHI: Still haven't thought of a receiver in the ATL-BAL game? I don't blame you. PHI.

WAS at TB: Watching the national televised Bucs game last week, I realized I had almost forgotten just how big of a #$%#%@ John Gruden is. TB.

DET at ARI: The Cards are in such disarray I doubt they could even beat Oakland. DET.

SEA at SF: Will pretty girl Matt and his buddy Sean be ready? I don't care, I'm calling Upset Special either way. SF.

IND at DAL: Not losin' this week... IND.

SD at DEN: Continue to mark my words, Denver's no good. SD.

NYG at JAX: Two teams that seem to fear success. Jax wins at home by default. JAX.

2006-11-11T21:00:00.000-06:00

We'll proceed in a second, but since we've just run though an election of sorts ("sorts" here meaning "democrats"), I thought I'd pass along this fun cartograms link that blends politics with two things I care more about, computer science and geography. Also make sure to check out this set as well.

BAL at TEN- This game involves Steve McNair, so I immediately start thinking ...Oilers. Sorry, but the man is just hardwired to that team in my head (also Eddie George), and there's nothing I can do about it. Somehow, Houston is not actually involved in this game. How odd. TEN.

BUF at IND- I feel sick from watching last week's Buffalo Game. J.P. Losman plays as if he can only use 2 of his 5 senses it any given time (last week, he went without vision, touch, and taste). IND.

CLE at ATL- Cleveland is thinking about changing their name from the Browns to the Invisibles. ATL.

GB at MIN- I don't care what else happens, just beat the Vikings and things will be ok... GB.

HOU at JAX- Alright, Jags, just take care of business here and we can start repairing our relationship. JAX.

KC at MIA- Can the Dolphins go two in a row? Against the too-good-to-be-true Chiefs, probably. Upset special. MIA.

NYJ at NE- An angry Pats team at home? It's times like these I'm glad we're not picking against the spread. NE.

SD at CIN- The Chargers will eventually fall apart, but the Bengals are way ahead of them at this stage in the game. SD.

SF at DET- Detroit loses a pivotal battle for draft standing. Don't worry, Matt Millen would just have wasted it anyway. DET.

WAS at PHI- Yeah, Philly's headed down the crapper, but it would be pretty ridiculous to support the Skins, wouldn't it? PHI.

DEN at OAK- Wait, what? Didn't this just happen? Friggin' no good Denver. You're definitely number one on my "Teams I Desperately Want To Be Exposed as the Frauds They Are" list. DEN.

DAL at ARI- Good use of GIDCAOTW here... DAL.

NO at PIT- The Steelers are once again doing their best to come out on top of the Bengals, this time in "most disappointing" standings. NO.

STL at SEA- Remember when people thought the Rams were going somewhere? That was hilarious, wasn't it? I would like to see them stick it to the Seahawks here, though. STL.

CHI at NYG- I didn't have the guts to call the Bears upset last week, but it sure is an easier road here. NYG.

TB at CAR- You have to hand it to the Buccaneers, somehow convincing the national media that they're still relevant. The media was so high on the Bucs in the Sapp and Keyshawn days that they still haven't come down. It's disgusting. CAR.

2006-11-04T16:46:00.000-06:00

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've thrown a little random quote generator over on the right, mainly just so I can say I'm on the PHP bandwagon. I apologize for the underwhelming quotes list the thing is currently running off of, I'll be attempting to find and parse together a better list some time in the near future.

But lets get back to picks, shall we?

ATL at DET. Gah, I almost did it, but came to my senses. NEVER PICK DETROIT IN AN UPSET SPECIAL! ATL.

CIN at BAL. The Bengals have to right their ship right now, and Baltimore is hopelessly overconfident. Brian Billick's ego needs to be knocked down about seven pegs. CIN.

DAL at WAS. Is this still a rivalry? WAS.

GB at BUF. The Green Bay pendulum is now swinging the other way, allowing easy wins against Chris week after week. GB.

HOU at NYG. I'm not sure I want to put the Giants in the contender category yet, but Houston just lost to the Titans. Passing on the overrated but still dangerous Reggie Bush and about 4 other future pro bowlers in the top 10 picks is the kind of damage that turns your franchise into the Clippers of the NFL. NYG.

KC at STL. Kansas City's winning record is the most amazing stat of the year. Somewhere, Dick Vermeil is crying, but don't ask me why. KC.

MIA at CHI. I'd love to trash the Bears here with an upset special, but when it means supporting Joey Harrington, I simply have to pass. CHI.

NO at TB. Noodle-armed Bruce Gradowski is Danny Wuerffel without the Heisman. NO.

TEN at JAX. There was a time when I was tight with the Jags, but I must have said something that offended them, because they're going against me every week now. JAX.

MIN at SF. I think Minnesota is ripe for a double-whammy loss, but the Niners are just too terrible to threaten here. MIN.

CLE at SD. Can a team featuring electric talents like Tomlinson and Gates be in my Game I Don't Care About of the Week? When they play the Browns, they can. GIDCAOTW. SD.

DEN at PIT. Noodle-armed Ben Roethlisberger is Danny Wuerffel without the Heisman and without a brain. DEN.

IND at NE. Eh, I'm tired of this matchup, to be honest with you. NE.

OAK at SEA. Haw haw, ESPN you get screwed again. Boy am I excited to hear their lead-in material for this one. Upset Special (but NOT because I think the Raiders are worth anything). OAK.

2006-10-27T21:16:00.000-05:00

Mountains at Keystone
Originally uploaded by athos.

Sunset
Originally uploaded by athos.

Snowstorm
Originally uploaded by athos.

I'd like to share a few pictures from my now-concluding Colorado trip, featuring some mountains nearly as large as my lead in the picks race.

Continuing what's working for me, here are your workman-like picks:

AZ at GB. How do the Packers respond to games where they're favored? I honestly can't remember. GB.

ATL at CIN. Ah, both winners that helped my lead over Chris last week. Who to reward? Let's go with the stonger league. CIN.

HOU at TEN. Oh, how the Titans have fallen. Now the frontrunner in the incredibly heated contest for worst team in texas. HOU.

BAL at NO. For reasons unclear to me, Baltimore appears to be in trainwreck mode. It's almost like they were expecting to be good this year. NO.

JAX at PHI. Wow, the Jags have exactly one more win than the Packers at this point. Not so hot for a supposed contender. Sorry Lisa. PHI.

SEA at KC. Have you seen the Chunky soup commercials featuring Matt Hasselbeck? Incredibly amusing to see one of the wussiest players in the NFL being trotted out as a tough guy. Sorry I couldn't find the whole clip. SEA.

SF at CHI. Again, I'm sorry for that last clip. CHI.

TB at NYG. Barber bowl? I'd be much more amused watching a haircutting contest. NYG.

STL at SD. I'll give due credit to Chris for his Chargers upset special last week. I'll try to get that game back here, because we all know he picks against the Chargers almost as much as I pick the Packers. SD.

IND at DEN. I still don't think Denver's any good, Ok? This is two years in a row, people - Leave me alone! IND.

NYJ at CLE. Thank god I didn't use GIDCAOTW yet. NYJ. (Thanks Chris, you haven't heard of the New York Gets?)

PIT at OAK. Congrats Raiders on your truly shocking victory. As much as I'd love to see you force the Steelers to a new low this week, I just can't see it. PIT.

DAL at CAR. Wow, talk about trainwreck mode. Not to be morbid or anything, but I'm afraid Bill Parcells will probably be dead by the end of this year. CAR.

NE at MIN. Now here's something everyone can enjoy! NE.

2006-10-21T10:35:00.000-05:00

Due to my excellent results last week, and the fact that I'm leaving for Colorado ridiculously early tomorrow (trust me, all this is making my life seem more interesting than it actually is), I'll stick to my formula from last week: quick and concise picks.

CAR at CIN. Cincy better get its act together soon, or I'm done with them. CIN.

DET at NYJ. Yikes, what a disaster. I somehow doubt Detriot can build on their "momentum." NYJ.

GB at MIA. A real fight for draft position. GB.

JAX at HOU. Chris loves trashing the Jags, so I'll keep taking the wins. JAX.

NE at BUF. Almost went upset special here, but the Bills appear to have regressed since the opener. NE.

PHI at TB. No Gradowski-love here. Not yet, at least. PHI.

PIT at ATL. Third tough call in a row. Atlanta usually is able to squeak by in this kind of game at home. ATL.

SD at KC. KC is the dark horse candidate for "worst team in the league not from Oakland." SD.

DEN at CLE. Denver only beat the Raiders by TEN POINTS last week. Alarms should be going off left and right. Upset special. CLE.

ARI at OAK. If the Cards don't win this one, just give Arizona and all its contents over to Mexico. A nice hand-me-down that has no value anymore. ARI.

MIN at SEA. Ah, the "hutchinson-burleson franchise tag circumvention" revenge game. How's that for a name? Seattle never has to play anyone good. SEA.

WAS as IND. I never understood why people were predicting the playoffs for the skins this year. IND.

NYG at DAL. I never understood why people were predicting the playoffs for the cowboys this year. NYG.

2006-10-15T09:49:00.000-05:00

I just got back from Chicago and haven't had the time to extensively research the NFL landscape like I usually do, so I think I'm going to turn in my "abbreviated commentary" card this week.

NYG at ATL: Minor upset special. NYG

HOU at DAL: At least this will show how bad pro football in Texas is right now. DAL

BUF at DET: Detriot is the worst "talented" team in the league, by far. BUF

SEA at STL: If the Rams can barely beat the Packers, what does that say? SEA

PHI at NO: Philly is too beat up. NO

CIN at TB: Good god, I have to play the Gradowski in this game on my fantasy team. CIN

TEN at WAS: Have the Titans turned a corner? Me thinks not. WAS

CAR at BAL: Baltimore really feels like a 9-7 team to me, which means they have some losing to do. CAR

MIA at NYJ: It moved beyond funny and into surreal when Dolphins fans not only demanded Joey Harrington, but got their wish. NYJ.

KC at PIT: A desperate super bowl champion against the "oh yeah, I forgot KC had a football team" Chiefs? Please. PIT

SD at SF: GIDCAOTW. SD

OAK at DEN: Denver will not make the playoffs this year, but I just cannot pick Oakland, ever. DEN

CHI at AZ: Two teams that were often put near each other in expert preseason rankings. CHI

2006-10-07T20:11:00.000-05:00

BUF at CHI. Yeah, yeah, yeah ... Everyone on earth now thinks the Bears are the best thing since sliced bread. If someone on ESPN went out on a limb and stated, "I'm not entirely sure that the Bears are a dead lock to win the superbowl", I'm pretty sure they'd be immediately fired for talking nonsense. CHI.

CLE at CAR. Same old Carolina. Will find a way to quietly shuffle into the playoffs and cause misery for an opponent or two. CAR.

DET at MIN. To stir things up a bit (my whole NFL experience seems to be stuck in a rut), I'm going to go against my canonical rule of not picking the Lions in an upset special. Upset special. DET.

MIA at NE. The Pats are an interesting bunch this year. They're not the same team that won two superbowls, and I'm not sure if that is or isn't a good thing. NE.

STL at GB. Harumph. GB.

TB at NO. A win here, but things won't end well this year for the Saints. Good thing their home city doesn't have a problem with alcoholism. NO.

TEN at IND. Nashville now has two minor league teams, my beloved Brewers' AAA affiliate: the Sounds, and the Titans. IND.

WAS at NYG. I miss Steve Spurrier. NYG.

KC at ARI. Anyone who watches football would predict this game to be a high-scoring shootout, thus ensuring a 9-3 snoozer. KC.

NYJ at JAX. I *almost* picked the Jets to upset Indy last week, and they *almost* upset Indy last week, so do I get any extra points? JAX.

OAK at SF. I can't believe I'd ever say this, but San Fran is clearly the better team here. SF.

DAL at PHI. Everyone would like to see good triumph over evil and watch McNabb stick it to TO, but the world's a cruel place, and these games never turn out the way people want them to. DAL, unfortunately.

PIT at SD. Both these teams need the win big time, but I just can't see the Steelers winning much with Ben Roethlisberger, the most hyped lower-middle-tier quarterback the league has ever seen. SD.

BAL at DEN. For some reason, Denver seems to have a knack for upsetting better teams when they're playing at home. And the Ravens aren't that great anyway. DEN.

2006-09-30T20:26:00.000-05:00

We're now moving into the doldrums of the NFL season, but I will do my best to keep things interesting:

MIA at HOU: Sorry Chris, we've both seen the Fins. Picking Houston at home, as bad as they've been, isn't much of an upset. Just call NE at CIN your real upset special and move on. HOU.

NO at CAR: Yeah, yeah, the Panthers aren't doing so hot right now, but the Saints are not a good team, even if they finish with a winning record. Much like the Bucs last year. CAR.

MIN at BUF: Minny has a letdown after hanging with Chicago most of last week. Whoop de do. In a minor upset, BUF.

SD at BAL: Man, the Ravens are boring. Even their down to the wire, closely contested games suck to watch. SD.

AZ at ATL: Falcons- Bad team that manages to win more games than they should. Cardinals - OK team that manages to win as many game as the Cardinals should. ATL.

DAL at TEN: Ummmm..... Looking forward to the Drew Bennett - Terence Newman matchup ...yeah, that's the ticket! DAL.

IND at NYJ: Indy will lose at some point, but not now. IND.

SF at KC: If San Fran is going to be able to get to 14 losses this year, they have to be able to lose to the KCs of the world. KC.

DET at STL: See below for my thoughts on Detroit... STL.

JAX at WAS: Heading to Washington after facing the Colts must be like hitting off a tee after facing Roger Clemens. JAX

CLE at OAK: Some online columnist (I forget who) stated this week that the Raiders have looked worse than any team has in the last 15 years, and, for once, I think I have to agree with the mainstream media. GIDCAOTW. CLE.

NE at CIN: Cincy will continue rolling until their felony-related attrition rate keeps them from being able to put 11 players on the field. CIN.

SEA at CHI: Again, not a vote of confidence in the Seahawks, just a vote against the Bears. SEA.

GB at PHI: Funny how Chris "conveniently" made his picks succinct this week, since I would think a verbose retraction is in order. Calling me out not once but twice last week (GB over DET, CIN over PIT) and then getting stomped in both cases - there's a lot of explaining that needs to be done when a man puts his faith in Mike Martz + Matt Millen, or Ben Roethlisberger. GB.

2006-09-23T16:05:00.000-05:00

A good start to the season, let's see if this run of good luck continues:

CAR at TB. None of these NFC South matchups ever intrigue me. Chris "glad they don't have negative passer rating" Simms has no chance against a desperate Carolina D. CAR.

CHI at MIN. Chicago is an average team everyone thinks is good. But the Vikings are a bad team everyone thinks is ok. CHI.

CIN at PIT. The Bengals are just plain more talented than the Steelers this year (and last year too - but I won't rub any more salt in those wounds). CIN.

GB at DET. GB actually outplayed the Saints, and Detroit looks at least as lost as the Packers do. Upset special, only because I think we could actually win. GB.

JAX at IND. I'm telling you, I have one hell of a pulse of the Jags right now. This week, I feel at letdown in the dome. IND.

NYJ at BUF. Didn't these teams play last week? It sure feels like it.... BUF.

TEN at MIA. Miami fans are turning on Culpepper even faster than I would have anticipated. Hey guys, just be glad you don't have Kerry Collins. MIA.

WAS at HOU. If there is anyone in the country who is exited about this matchup, I'd love to meet them. And find out which mental illness afflicts them. Game I don't care about of the week. HOU.

BAL at CLE. The 2006 Cleveland Browns: "who needs a real quarterback?" Or, alternately, "Thank God we don't have Kerry Collins." BAL.

NYG at SEA. Giants could have a letdown here, but I really want to see Mr. Smarty Pants Hasselbeck fail this year. Here's hoping... NYG.

PHI at SF. This is either an improbable upset or, more likely, a "take out your frustrations on those weaker than you" game for Philly. PHI.

STL at ARI. Wow, St. Louis - losing to the Niners? How are you planning on explaining that one to your children? ARI.

DEN at NE. I'm just glad I have it recorded in my picks that I predicted a crash and burn season for the Broncos. NE.

ATL at NO. Sorry folks, there's no way the Saints are good enough to be 3-0. ATL.

2006-09-16T13:32:00.000-05:00

Yay! World Beard Championships!

In other news:

CLE at CIN: I don't remember much about Cincy's last game, but I do remember that the Browns looked cooked. CIN.

TB at ATL: Yeah, yeah, Atlanta beat Carolina, whoop de doo. Playing without Steve Smith (and with Keyshawn Johnson as a #1) is the equivalent of having to play an entire hockey game with the penalty killing unit. TB.

BUF at MIA: I admit it, I really did not see the Bills' week one performance coming. With the disclaimer that this is not bandwagon jumping, I would like to give a tip of the cap to everyone's favorite 97-year old GM, Marv Levy. BUF.

DET at CHI: Surprise pick for "game I don't care about of the week." I just don't care anymore... CHI.

NO at GB: Let's move on, shall we? GB.

HOU at IND: Of course, we couldn't get very far into the season without the Colts facing the Texans. I'm pretty sure this matchup happens about every other week. IND.

OAK at BAL: Believe it or not, I don't believe the Raiders' trainwreck is mostly Aaron Brooks' fault. Peyton Manning behind the Raiders line would get sacked about 30 times a game. Seriously, what is Baltimore going to do, respect the running game of Lamont Jordan? Also, I would like to give a second tip of the cap to everyone's favorite unintentionally hilarious and senile 97-year old GM, Al Davis. BAL.

NYG at PHI: Finlly, Philly is going to have to deal with the reality that it doesn't really have enough offensive talent to seriously contend. NYG.

CAR at MIN: I agree with Chris on his revert-to-the-mean philosopy here. Minny is way too bad to be 2-0. CAR

AZ at SEA: I'm definitely not sold on Seattle, but I'm also not sold on Arizona yet. Damn, it must be good to be in the NFC west. SEA.

STL at SF: The Martzless and suddenly-less-hateable Rams came through big time for me in last week's upset special. They should be able to do some record-padding here. STL.

NE at NYJ: The Jets are one of the NFL's bottom-rung teams (yeah, I know, it's a crowded rung), but I just have this feeling that the Pats are too confident about getting a rebound victory here. Upset special. NYJ.

KC at DEN: Hate to say I told you so about the Broncos. Unfortunately, they'll get a win this week agaist a team whose current quarterback situation is even worse than their own. DEN.

TEN at SD: The Titans are clearly just biding their time until Vince Young is ready, so don't expect much out of them for now. SD.

WAS at DAL: When you get beat by the Vikings at home, it's a bad, bad sign. DAL.

PIT at JAX: This has got to be the most imporatant game of the season for the Jags. If they lose here, it will be a long time before I pick them again. JAX.

2006-09-09T18:41:00.000-05:00

Ah, week one. Hope springs eternal. A new day is dawning. Insert pointless poetic cliche #3 here.

BAL at TB. The first of many pundit-busting picks this week. The media is hyping Tampa again for some reason, and it needs to stop. BAL.

ATL at CAR. I suppose this is a big time matchup down in the land that time forgot. Atlanta got killed by the Packers in the preseason, that's enough reason for me to pick against them when they play someone good. CAR.

DEN at STL. Denver is my personal pick to completely flame out this year. Upset Special. STL.

BUF at NE. The Pats, much like the Red Sox, seem to be exhibiting an increasing case of "we're smarter than everyone else" syndrome, which will lead to trouble. Although not against the Bills at home. NE.

PHI at HOU. Sorry Houston, I'm not picking a team that's trotting out Wali Lundy at RB. Although, I always appreciate creative spelling endeavours. PHI.

NO at CLE. Let the dismantling of the Reggie Bush Hype Machine begin. CLE.

SEA at DET. No Joey, No Mooch....but Matt Millen is still around and he's brought in Mike Martz. Thankfully, this assures the Lions will continue to be the "hateable losers" of the NFC Central. SEA.

NYJ at TEN. Oh god. Game I don't care about of the week. TEN.

CIN at KC. Larry Johnson has such ridiculous expectations on him right now that it would be considered a disappointment if he finishes with 1500 yards and 10 TD's. Get ready to be disappointed. CIN.

CHI at GB. Believe it or not, I believe this is a game the Packers should be able to win. Really. Believe me! GB.

DAL at JAX. I cannot imagine any way the cowboys will be better than 8-8 this year. The most talked about team in the offseason vs. the least talked about team in general. JAX.

SF at ARI. There are so many idiots on the Cardinals bandwagon right now the thing's axles are about ready to give out. Washed up QB + Washed up RB = same old Cardinals. ARI.

IND at NYG. I know I'm looking forward to the big time matchup in this game....Chris Snee vs Raheem Brock. Oh baby. IND.

MIN at WAS. Washington looked horrible in the preseason, but Minnesota's playmakers are Brad Johnson, Chester Taylor, and Travis Taylor. It's ok, you can laugh. WAS.

SD at OAK. Al Davis will likely provide the most entertainment in the league this year, as he tries out the "go forward by going backwards" teambuilding method. What washed up loser will be the next to be brought in? Howie Long? SD.

2006-09-06T21:07:00.000-05:00

Time to get some NFL picks up. I make no promises about sticking it out all year, especially with the projected pain and agony I wil be suffering at the Packers' hands, but we will see how things go before I invariably bail to Lisa.

MIA at PIT. Many reasons to pick against both of these teams. Many "experts" have picked the Dolphins as an AFC sleeper, which is a sure sign they won't be. The Steelers weren't even very good last year and this year the deck will be stacked against them. Plus, both teams will start NFC North reject quarterbacks. Just for fun, I'll give the edge to the team that also has an NFC North reject quarterback as their backup. MIA

2006-07-25T19:48:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I know the World Cup is over, but I couldn't resist taking one more potshot at soccer.

You can tell a lot about a sport by how well it can be conveyed through "Game Tracker"-type interface. Specifically, there is a correlation between how watchable a sport is and how well it translates to a bunch of numbers and vector graphics. To start things off, let's look at a couple of totally objective lists of what works well on a Game Tracker and what doesn't:

Sports that work ok
*Baseball
*Basketball
*Football (especially when you're only watching for fantasy value)
*Cricket, I guess, just to prove this isn't an America/Europe thing

Sports that don't work ok
*Hockey
*Any kind of Auto Racing
*Track & Field
*Synchronized Swimming
*Bull Riding
*Soccer

The key, of course, is that in the sports that work ok, things happen regularly.. Even sports that are considered "slow" by today's standards can generate a lot of activity in a game tracker. Baseball seems designed for this kind of presentation- It's somehow, miraculously, watchable despite the fact that nothing happens during 98% of the game, in large part because it is a mathematician's dream. If you don't know what OPS is, you don't know jack.

But on to Soccer. I know what you're thinking: "Sure, there isn't much scoring, but there's a lot else going on, and some of that would come across in a game tracker, right?". Well here's a screenshot to help you make up your mind:

If you're too lazy to look at the details yourself, here's an excerpt of some crucial game information from the tracker, immediately following one of the most exciting events in soccer, a "DECENT EFFORT!" by Ukraine (This is not photoshop, I am not making this up): It is still very warm in Germany, even despite the setting sun; the players look to be sweating a good amount already.

I have no more to say.

2006-06-29T21:21:00.000-05:00

If you're one of the privileged few who have spent much time with me, chances are, at one point or another, you've learned of my unending hatred of Journey. Well now, thanks to YouTube and an astute find by Bill Simmons, you can now see exactly what I was talking about way back in that 2002 posting*. To this day, there is still no better way of getting on my bad side than throwing yourself into an impromptu air keyboard solo in my presence.

And since we're on the topic of truly hideous music videos, I couldn't close out this entry without mention of Come on Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners. You watch the video, and tell me with a straight face that the camera angles and outfits weren't specifically chosen to accentuate hideous bandmember armpits.

And here's your Obligatory Simpsons Reference:

Homer: Lisa, did you see the Grammys?
Lisa: You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners.
Homer: Well, you haven't heard the last of them.

*2002? God, I feel old.

2006-04-23T20:27:00.000-05:00

P=NP?
Originally uploaded by lmf71080.

I always knew futurama was very clever, but I didn't know it was this clever. Evidently they've finally nailed down this bugger of a proof by the year 3000.

2006-04-03T19:59:00.000-05:00

It's opening day for the Brewers, so I'd just like to put it on record that I'm predicting a division championship for them. It will happen, mark my words. More on this later in the year when the prophesy comes to fruition.

2006-03-21T20:30:00.000-06:00

You didn't think I forgot about "The Hattys" this year, did you? Well, it might be a little delayed (due to an incredible amount of deliberation on my part) but here we go:

This was a pretty average year for hat-centric movies. You had your standard period-piece frontrunners, led by Pride and Prejudice. Any Victorian-era piece centered on English society has a huge leg up on the competition, but it also is held to a higher standard in my book, so if it's not flaunting haberdashery at every opportunity, it's going to lose points. The fantasy-hat contingent was also strong, featuring the likes of Star Wars and Narnia. However, these movies were again hurt by the fact that their headwear often fell into the grey area between hat and helmet. Now, I'm not saying I can define what constitutes a hat as opposed to a helmet, but, to paraphrase Potter Stewart, I know it when I see it. And I didn't see it. In the action genre, V for Vendetta arrived too late for consideration, and that darn mask has a habit of stealing scenes from the hat anyway.

That leaves us with hard-luck loser of that other award, Brokeback Mountain. Because of the dearth of good westerns in recent years, the cowboy hat had fallen into disuse in tinseltown. This year, however, the gay cowboy movie to end all gay cowboy movies moseyed into town, and sure enough, it's practically filled with cowboy hats*. So cheer up Ang Lee, forget about that best picture snub and revel in the fact that Brokeback is the most hat-centric movie of 2005.

*Based on my 30-second sample size while viewing the oscars and/or commercials.

2006-02-11T13:22:00.000-06:00

A few bits to mention, in my classic bulleted list format, of course.

* Too much spandex and too much Bode Miller at the Torino opening ceremonies. Coming soon - Bode Miller in spandex.

* A bad year for super bowl commercials, with a few exceptions. Is there something wrong with me because I think the emerald nuts ads are hilarious?

* The first day you have a newspaper delivered to you is a classic "ugh, I'm sort of an adult" moment, right up there with receiving your first credit card.

* Sysinternal's Process Explorer is one of the best programs on earth if you have to deal with the finickyness of Windows every day. It's like the task manager on Brain and Nerve Tonic. And yes, that is the same guy that exposed the Sony rootkit.

* "I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me." - Abe Simpson