Saturday, November 30, 2002

Mother May I Sleep With Danger: The actual title of a made-for-tv movie that was showing on Lifetime or whatever this past weekend. Unfortunately, it's not available for rent from blockbuster, as you can see here.

Accuracy is being able to throw the ball where the guy is going: Words of wisdom from John Madden
I must admit Ben's recent post about his canine welcoming party hit quite close to home. More or less the exact same thing happens in my house any time I come home after being gone for a while. One of my dogs choses to express her enjoyment by emitting loud, high-pitched shreiks approximately 1 inch away from my ear, after my other (slightly larger) dog has forcibly knocked me down to their level. Of course, I'm rendered deaf for the rest of the weekend, but that just means I don't have to deal with the loud, high-pitched shreiks of my sister, which are far more freqent.

Also, it's time to make my remaining football picks.

PIT at JAX: JAX. Do it, Rockapella! Oops, I mean Jacksonville

MIA at BUF: BUF. The Fins have a thing for cold weather. It's a we're-not-going-to-win thing.

BAL at CIN: BAL. I sorta want to pick the bengals here, but that would mean picking the bengals.

CAR at CLE: CLE. Good Job, you win the "Game I Don't Care About Of The Week" Award! And trust me, as the season wears on, the competition for this award becomes greater and greater.

CHI at GB: GB. The Packers could play without an offensive line and still beat the bears, and they might have to this week.

AZ at KC: KC. I'm tellin ya, Arizona's winning days this season are over.

ATL at MIN: ATL. I've been picking Atlanta all year, and they keep on coming through for me. I love Michael Vick! Not in that way.

TEN at NYG: NYG. What do you know, Tennessee broke my heart again. It's over, and this time I mean it!

HOU at IND: IND. What's gotten into the Colts? I still don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's not cooties.

DEN at SD: DEN. That's right, I'm jumping off the Chargers bandwagon. I can't forgive them for the St. Louis game, I just can't.

SEA at SF: SF. There's an old saying that goes something like "If you can't beat seattle at home, you're really bad"

STL at PHI: PHI. I never thought I'd say it, but apparently there's no dropoff from McNabb to Detmer to Feely. Don't worry, I'm already getting ready to recant this statement for next week.

TB at NO: NO. Hopefully Warren Sapp will die. I love picks motivated by spite.

NYJ at OAK: OAK. The Raiders may be old, but their house is scary. Just like most people's grandparents.

Note to Chris: I'll explain the unusualness of my Giants-Texans pick sometime this week. If you feel the need to dock me a win for now, go ahead. Take two if you want.

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Oh yeah, I guess I need to make a couple turkey day predictions

NE at DET: NE. Chris may not be confident in the Patriots, but I'm quite confident that Detroit is horrible. I've warned Chris not to pick the Lions as an upset, ever, but I guess my advice is falling on deaf ears.

WAS at DAL: DAL. Ugh, I remember when Washington vs. Dallas was a good game. This could be uglier than a turducken.

Homer: I'm a rage-oholic! I can't live without rageohol!

On an unrelated note, I'm back at home over thanksgiving. Posts will come as the opportunity arises. Insert your lame turkey joke here.

Monday, November 25, 2002

I've been trying to think of a catchy slogan for my site for, you know, advertising purposes. Here's my current list.

Where's the Beef, and Mount Athos?
Mount Athos: as good as a Mexican Pizza, without the aftertaste.
3-2-1 Athos!
Athos and the Mount Experince featuring Lucas
4 out of 5 monkeys don't throw their feces at Mount Athos
Mount Athos VIII: Lucas vs. Robo-Mothra
Mount Athos, the culmination of all human history

Sunday, November 24, 2002

I just used the word onus when talking about Football. Haha!
Ok, here come the picks....

SD at MIA: SD. I'm glad Miami won last week. I was getting real sick of headlines saying "Lucas sucks".

MIN at NE: NE. Minnesota probably thinks they're good because they won vs. the Pack in the metrodome. That's like beating Albert Einstein in the long jump.

CLE at NO: NO. Why on earth is Cleveland still in they playoff picture? Something's wrong here.....

BUF at NYJ: BUF. The Bills need to get off the proverbial schniede (schneid?, schneide?)

DET at CHI: CHI. If Chicago loses this one, they've gone a long ways towards securing the worst record in the NFC. Just watch out for the Cards, who I don't think will win again this year.

JAX at DAL: JAX. The Jags have a tendecy to play down (and up) to their level of competition, but jeez, I can't pick the cowboys. They're making it seem like Quincy Carter was actually the better choice, and that's just sad.

CIN at PIT: PIT. No explanaton needed.

STL at WAS: STL. St. Louis suddenly think's they're playoff bound at 5-5, but they've got a long ways to go. Plus, we've seen the end of Bulgermania.

ATL at CAR: ATL. I don't care what anyone says, Mike Vick deserves all the publicity he's getting. The "wow" factor is very real.

TEN at BAL: TEN. Ok, the Titans are back on my good side. I don't know why I do this, I know they're just going to break my heart again.

KC at SEA: KC. KC's O vs. the Seahawks' D? It's like taking large amounts of candy from several babies.

OAK at AZ: OAK. I already said the Cards won't win another game this year, even if they do eat eagles.

GB at TB: GB. I should just drop the pretense, I'm not picking the Pack to lose for the rest of this year.

NYG at HOU: HOU. You know, I'd like to make this my upset special of the week, but because Chris was so vanilla in his picks, I'm not going to do it because it'd be the only place where we'd differ, and I can't hinge a winning week on a Texans victory. I have to play smart. Chris, the onus is on you to make outrageous picks, you're the one that needs to make up ground, so I want to see some Bengals-backing real soon.......

IND at DEN: DEN. What's gotten into the Colts? I don't know, but my guess is that it's not ebola virus.

PHI at SF: SF. Jose Cortez should audition to be McNabb's replacement. He couldn't contribue much less to his team than he currently is, and he couldn't be much worse of a QB than Koy (Don't call my Ty, because I haven't thrown 6 interceptions in a game - yet) Detmer.

Thursday, November 21, 2002

In response to a post I made a few weeks back regarding the peculiar way Wisconsinites say the word "bag", several individuals have inquired what the deal was with the mysterious "bubbler" I mentioned at the end of it. Well, certain individuals, here is the answer:

If anyone knows what the deal with that east cost blob is, please tell me.....

Wednesday, November 20, 2002


Less than 2 days to do a take home that requires writing functional code for more than one problem?
Not cool....

Back to normal posting on Thursday, when the gosh-durn thing is due.

Saturday, November 16, 2002

It turns out that brevity is indeed the soul of wit, as I once again came out on top in my football picks. I won't go quite as far as I did last week this time around, but nevertheless, I'll try to keep it short.

PIT at TEN: PIT. The Titans are rolling, so I'm about to let them out of my doghouse. But if you lose this one, boys, you'll be staying there for the rest of the year.

DAL at IND: IND. One team is clearly on the upswing, the other has clearly fallen off a cliff. Every time Dallas loses you can hear St. Louis kicking themselves.

BUF at KC: KC. This one should be more fun than 10 fun-and-guns. As for the final result, give the edge to Arrowhead stadium.

BAL at MIA: BAL. Fortunately for Baltimore, Ray Lewis may be back. Fortunately for Baltimore, Ray Lucas will be back.

GB at MIN: GB. Yes, the Metrodome is a house of horrors, and yes, this is prime space for an upset, but I'll eat my hat before I go against the Packers at this point.

WAS at NYG: NYG. If Steve Spurrier starts talking playoffs after beating the Seahawks, you know something's messed up.

AZ at PHI: PHI. If the Eagles can't win this, they deserve to be play in Philadelphia. Also, "Cardinals eat Eagles"

NO at ATL: ATL. ATL has pulled off this matchup for me before. I'm, counting on them again.

CLE at CIN: CLE. This is a game that I don't care about. At all.

CAR at TB: TB. Tampa Bay could end up going 12-4 without a single quality win. That makes me want to vomit in anger.

SF at SD: SD. No reasoning here, other than the fact that a San Diego win would help the Packers quite a bit.

DEN at SEA: DEN. The Seattle Seahawks: Offense Optional, Defense Strictly Prohibited.

JAX at HOU: JAX. Any team that loses to an expansion team twice should be forcibly ejected from the league.

NYJ at DET: NYJ. Yuck, Yuck, Yuck. Joey Harrington's infectious enthusiasm makes me want to punch him in the face.

NE at OAK: OAK. Oooh, the "Tuck Bowl". I'd bet at least 5 Patroits will disappear in California, never to be heard from again.

CHI at STL: CHI. Here it is, my upset special of the week - Chicago's only chance to gain any respect for the rest of the year. The Bears are so pathetic that I actually wouldn't mind a win here. And if they lose, I'm still happy.

Friday, November 15, 2002

More commercials I hate:

The "I'm a Ford Truck man" commerical with Toby Keith. No wonder the company is taking a nose dive. This ad's target audience is clearly idiotic hicks, and I don't think many of them can summon up the $25,000+ for a new pickup truck the size a small cruise ship. I just recently found out this is the same guy who I mentioned in my "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue" post. What a coincidence.

That "nuthin' from nuthin' leaves nuthin" commercial from toyota. The commerical is bad, yes, but it is made infinitely worse by the fact that I cannot watch TV for 15 minutes without hearing it. Plus, why is the singer so @/*$% cheerful if he has nothing, anyway? And if he's happy now, then why the @/*$% does he need a new toyota?

Campbell's cup-at-hand soup. Those ads so dripping with estrogen I though they were for Pier One or Lesbianism or something. A no-hassle container for soup seems like a good idea, but I'm sorta afraid some Amazon tribeswoman would come after me if I bought one.

Anything that involves the words "Zoom Zoom"

Thursday, November 14, 2002

Lisa found this article and now claims that I have to be over 20% nicer to her because of it. But I'm not buying the idea that redheads are more sensitive. Danny Bonaduce, anyone?

Monday, November 11, 2002

I've discovered a disturbing secret. Mark Bulger is the illegitimate son of Mike Martz. Picture Bulger in about 30 years with glasses and tell me he won't look exactly like Mr. Pompous Idiot himself.

In another football-related note, Lions QB Joey Harrington gets the overoptimisim award for this quote, in reference to not quitting when down 30-7 at the half vs. the Packers: "How many teams are going to walk out of here and lose, 60-7? Not us. We didn't do that. We came in and played hard. " The final score was 40-14. Wow, you guys only were ouscored by 3 against a team that wasn't trying anymore and featured the dynamic 1-2 punch of Doug Pederson and Tony Fisher. No wonder you're proud of youself.
Someone needs to tell FOX that you can only have 1 season premiere per season. If last week's episode of the Simpsons was the first of the new season, you cannot claim that this week's episode is the season premeire. Jeez.

Saturday, November 09, 2002

I think my problems with NFL picks last week stemmed from the fact that I was consistently overanalytical. Therefore, for this week I will go with my immediate gut reaction, and give no justification whatever. So, here we go...

DET at GB: GB.
SD at STL: SD.
NO at CAR: NO.
KC at SF: SF.
NE at CHI: NE.

Now that's concise.

Thursday, November 07, 2002

Every once in a while there are advantages of having a Classics major. For instance, today one of my classes had me reading Aristophanes' play Ecclesiazusae, from which this delightful passage is taken: (WARNING: May not be suitable for children - contians explicit potty humor)

I am going to have a look too, when I have finished crapping; but I really think [355] there must be a wild pear obstructing my rectum.

Is it the one which Thrasybulus spoke about to the Lacedaemonians?

Oh! oh! oh! how stopped up I am! Whatever am I to do? It's not merely for the present that I am frightened; but when I have eaten, [360] where is my crap to find an outlet now? This damned McPear fellow has bolted the door. Call a doctor; but who is the cleverest in this branch of the science? [365] Amynon? Perhaps he would not come. Ah! Antisthenes! Let him be brought to me, cost what it will. To judge by his noisy sighs, that man knows what an arse wants, when it needs to crap. Oh! venerated Ilithyia! I shall burst unless [370] the door gives way. Have pity! pity! Let me not become a thunder-mug for the comic poets.

Enter Chremes, returning from the Assembly.
Hi! friend, what are you doing there? You're not crapping, are you?

Finding relief at last.
Oh! there! it is over and I can get up again.

Now that's culture. If you're a dork and want to read the whole disgusting thing, here it is.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Ok, so I finally had an off week at NFL picks, whereas Chris did exceptionally well. In any case I'm not dissapointed, another week or two like this and things will get interesting again. If anything Chris should be thanking me for continuing to take risks, instead of comparing me to one Mike Martz, which is quite the insult. I wonder if it's simply coincidence that Chris and Cincy got their first wins in the same week, or mabey something more.....

And no matter what, I'm still going to be in an exceptionally good mood as long as the Pack keeps winning.

Saturday, November 02, 2002

Here come the weekly NFL picks. I was thinking about taking a week off and letting Chris catch up, but I can't disapoint all of you who are putting serious money on my predictions (I know you're out there):

BAL at ATL: ATL. The Falcons get rewarded for coming through on my upset pick last week. And Baltimore sucks.

NE at BUF: BUF. I think Buffalo will win because Buffalo is at home. (Look! I didn't even mention Drew Bledsoe!)

PHI at CHI: PHI. Bears the worst team in the NFC? You better believe it. That thumping noise you heard is the millions of fairweather bears fans jumping off the bandwagon. I've heard Goodwill is overstocked on Brian Urlacher jerseys - 95% off or best offer....

PIT at CLE: PIT. This is a game I probably should be interested in. I'm not. Amos Zeroue and Tommy Maddox vs. Jameel White and Tim Couch? What planet am I on?

DAL at DET: DAL. It boggles my mind that Detroit has won two games. I know Dallas is also horrible, but c'mon, the Lions starting wideouts are Bill Schroeder and Az Hakim........
*Note: I realized I had typed in the wrong team as winner, and changed it at 11:40 on sunday morning....So it's still perfectly valid

TEN at IND: IND. Two bad teams that are up near the top of their division because everyone in the AFC (who doesn't have someone named Drew Brees on their team) can't do anything right. If the Titans couldn't control the Browns offense it's going to get ugly vs. the Colts.

MIN at TB: MIN. Darn it, Chris already picked this as his upset. However, If he thinks that means he has exclusive rights to it he's got another thing coming. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the Bucs aren't going anywhere with their offense, no matter who's coaching. And yet, I hear Chris Berman gush about them every single week...

CIN at HOU: HOU. Speaking of Chris Berman, he said at the beginning of this season that the Bengals were going to surprise some people. And yes indeed, 0-16 would be surprise. No wonder they call you the swami.

NYJ at SD: SD. All hail Drew Brees! Contrary to my prior assertions, he's not just a touchdown throwing machine, he also has an integrated logic unit that makes use of sophisticated planning mechanisms.

WAS at SEA: SEA. I vehemently disagree with Chris about the worth of Jeff George. Sure, he's got quite a gun, but he's "a devout coward", to borrow a phrase from Matt Millen. I remember a monday night game last year where they showed his face while he was under center and the man looked like he was facing an army of the undead. It's hard to describe just how weird it is to see an NFL player who's clearly, unquestionably scared of the guys across the line from him. By the way, the result of that play was a sack, and George was released less than a week later.

STL at AZ: AZ. There's no logical argument for this pick, but I'm just way too mad at Marshall Faulk for ruining my Fantasy Football matchup two weeks ago vs. Seattle to pick his team. And Mike Martz is a pompous arrogant jerk.

SF at OAK: SF. Well, the Raiders' midseason collapse, much like winter, came a bit early this year. There are plenty more cold days ahead....

JAX at NYG: JAX. The Giants offensive performance on monday night was truly offensive. Take that as you will.

MIA at GB: GB. Shortly after Brett Farve's injury, Packers fullback William Henderson gave a firsthand account of what happend when the MRI results on Brett's knee came in. According to Henderson, the doctors said the MRI showed that Brett's ACL was twice as thick as a regular human's. Why relate this story: further proof that Farve is in fact Superman (and a nice bookend to Ahman Green, who we all know is Batman).