Saturday, November 27, 2004

continued from last post....

CLE at CIN. As if we didn't have enough reasons to hate Ohio already. CIN.

JAX at MIN. Minnesota will be without their (supposedly) pro-bowl center as they face the best DT tandem in the league. That's reason enough for me. JAX.

PHI at NYG. Philly, a team that isn't even one of the top five in the league, can wrap up the division with a win here. What an insult to the NFC east. In fact, are there any conferences in the NFC that aren't literally brimming with suck? PHI.

SD at KC. Chiefs, meet the real AFC west scoring juggernaut. Now, if only they'd ditch LT, he's been slowing them down all year... SD.

TB at CAR. Remember when this game meant something? Carolina has been playing (and beating) First-Class-Bad teams in recent weeks, but I'm not really sure they can handle a Second-Class-Bad team like the Bucs. TB.

TEN at HOU. The Lucas Confusion Game, redux. Even worse because they're playing in houston this time. Which team is Warren Moon playing for? HOU. (whoever that is...)

WAS at PIT. If the steelers could survive an upset bid by the desperate Bengals, they should have absolutely no problem with the Skins. But don't worry, Washington fans - be assured that Dan Snyder will bring in a new glamourous coaching staff and another batch of overpriced quick-fix free agents, and you'll be super bowl bound again, for the 7th year in a row. PIT.

NO at ATL. I'm now getting pissed. ATLANTA NEVER HAS TO PLAY ANYONE GOOD. Who creates the NFL schedules these days - Terance Mathis? ATL.

BAL at NE. You've got to hand it to the Pats for continuing to win despite having no defensive backs. This week things get easier, as they get to play against a passing offense that has no wide recievers. Or quarterbacks or running backs or tight ends, for that matter. NE.

BUF at SEA. Buffalo has to be giddy about getting to play yet another NFC west team. I'm quite sure that any AFC east team could beat all the NFC west teams ... at the same time. Upset Special I. BUF.

MIA at SF. (This game is not worthy of comment) MIA.

NYJ at ARI. Little-known fact: Curtis Martin and Emmit Smith were jousting partners in the court of William I. Upset Special II, and yes, I have gone off the deep end. ARI.

OAK at DEN. I've gone and invented a new game classification because I've just been seeing this kind of thing way too often. "Once-Great Rivalry That's Now Just Kinda Depressing Of The Week" DEN.

STL at GB. It's the best of both worlds, a pick for the packers and a pick against an overrated rival! GB.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Happy Thanksgiving, my limited readership ... a few picks are in order, although I'm not sure the events taking place tomorrow should really be considered professional football games, especially the "professional" part

IND at DET. Yuck part 1. Never pick Detroit in an upset. Even if they're at home & it's thanksgiving. IND.

CHI at DAL. Word to Bill Parcells: The number of bad young starting quarterbacks in this league is already way too high, please don't contribute to the problem. DAL.

Side note #1 - Boy, do I miss the great dallas thanksgiving games of the mid-ninties. It was so wonderful to root against those Cowboys.

Side note #2 - A thought that occured to me while driving back to my parents' house for thanksgiving: Wouldn't it be awesome to pass some car on the interstate and see a ninja driving it?

Friday, November 19, 2004

I'll be traveling to Chicago this weekend to visit an old friend and play Halo 2 until my thumbs are permanently dislocated, but before I go, I'll leave you with a link that you absolutely MUST go to: A word of warning, though - if you have a sense of humor similar to mine, you may want to change into some disposable undergarments beforehand.

Speaking of disposable undergarments, I hope Chris won't need them after watching his almost insurmountable early-season lead in picks officially disappear. Time to go for the kill...

AZ at CAR. What a way to start things off. Now I'm just bummed about everything - goodbye, insightful commentary. Game I Don't Care About of the Week. CAR.

DAL at BAL. Does anyone else feel like Bill Parcells' only way out of this mess is a nice, honorable suicide? When all hope is lost, die with dignity. BAL.

DEN at NO. Trust me, last week's Saints win means nothing. And to prove it, I'll go against my recent promise to never pick the Broncos again. Yes, they're that bad. DEN.

DET at MIN. Is Detroit decent enough to be competitive with the freefalling Vikings? Of course not. MIN.

IND at CHI. Exact same comment as last week: I have no problem with the Bears winning games, it just means a lower draft pick. IND.

NYJ at CLE. Q: True Fact: Curtis Martin's first playbook was printed by Johann Gutenberg. NYJ.

PIT at CIN. This is a near-perfect setup for an upset special. A little too perfect, if you ask me... PIT.

SF at TB. I don't know why, but I get this feeling that the Bucs are going to end up 7-9 every season for about the next 15 years. I also get the feeling that the Niners will never win more than 5 games per year as long as Dennis Ericson is their coach. TB.

STL at BUF. I desperately want to see the winner of the NFC west finish with a losing record, just to drive home the point of how poor this conference really is. STL can help me realize the dream this week. BUF.

TEN at JAX. I think I've finally figured out the secret to the Jags' success - they play horrible teams each week, and they can beat Peyton Manning. That's really all you need to win the AFC south. JAX.

MIA at SEA. The Seahawks are too stupid to learn from last week's mistakes and will overlook this game, trust me. Upset Special. MIA.

SD at OAK. Free advice to the Raiders' coaching staff: Put all four defensive backs on Antonio Gates every play. Unless you're scared of Keenan McCardell and Tim Dwight, that is... (pause for laughter) SD.

ATL at NYG. There's no way the Falcons should have only two losses at this point, but the Giants are a total mess. ATL.

WAS at PHI. With all the Desperate Housewives hoopla that's been going around, we've lost focus of what's really important - that Terrell Owens is a jerk. PHI.

GB at HOU. This is exactly the kind of game Green Bay likes to blow, but c'mon, who do you think I'm going to pick? GB.

NE at KC. If the Chiefs had an extra win or two at this point, they might put up a fight, but I just can't see a dead-in-the-water team without their best player beating the Pats, especially with this many games left in the season. NE.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

I've been busy this week coughing up about 80% of my lungs, but I think I still have enough strength left to provide another week of insightful picks. Chris's infamous germ warfare division may have knocked me down, but it hasn't knocked me out...

KC at NO: Pretty soon, the Saints will officially move from "losers" to "quitters". And to think, they were just "underachievers" a few weeks ago. KC

DET at JAX: Can a Jacksonville team robbed of its heart and soul beat the Lions? Sure! Heck, Detroit could lose the rest of its games this year and still call their season a success. JAX

HOU at IND: It's been a very good year to have Peyton Manning as your fantasy QB, take it from me. Unfortunately, though, Lisa has Reggie Wayne on her squad - it means we get in a lot more shoving matches than we should. IND

PIT at CLE: Oh, have the bandwagon jumpers over at ESPN fallen hard for the Steelers. Pitt should do everyone a favor and drop one to a crappy team, just to keep Chris Berman from drooling all over himself on Sunday. PIT

TB at ATL: Chris is right, this should not be considered an upset special. You need a real quarterback play to beat the Bucs' Cover-2, and I'm still not convinced the Falcons have it. TB

CHI at TEN: I'm actually applauding wacky bears wins at this point - it just means a lower draft pick. Unless, of course, you think this is the start of a playoff run (pause for laughter). TEN

SEA at STL: It's a cryin' shame that one of these pathetic squads is going to end up a division winner. If the word "offensive mastermind" is used at any time by the annoucing crew I'm going to put my foot through the TV. STL

BAL at NYJ: Too bad it's past Halloween, because Quincy Carter vs. the Ravens is just scary. Sort of like Curtis Martin, who is over 50% assorted corpse parts. BAL

CIN at WAS: It's deja vu all over again for the Bengals, who get to move on down the neverending line of bad NFC East teams. CIN

CAR at SF: Wow, I'm pretty speechless about this one. Game I Don't Care About Of the Week. I'll take the team with the coach who actually belongs in the NFL. CAR

MIN at GB: I'm worried about this game, just like I am about all Packers-Vikings games, but all logic seems to indicate that we'll be just fine. GB

NYG at AZ: It's nearly impossible to tell which Giants team is going to show up for a given series let alone a given game, but either one should be good enough to beat the Cardinals. Can we all agree that The Josh McCown Experiment should be put on permanent hiatus at this point? NYG

BUF at NE: If this game was in buffalo, we might have an upset special candidate, but I've learned over the years to brainlessly pick the pats at home late in the season. NE

PHI at DAL: The number of the week is "1", as in the number of losses it took for TO to show his true form and begin the work of undermining the eagles from the inside. What you reap is what you sow, Philadephia. PHI

Saturday, November 06, 2004

If any of you out there are starting your Chrismas shopping, and feel that annoying catchphrases aren't a large enough part of American Culture, I have the perfect gift for you. It's an Emerilware Waffle/Sandwich/Pizelle maker, which imprints the firey southerner's catchphrase on everything it presses. Who wouldn't want to sit down with some freshly made waffles and feel like Emeril was right next to you, blasting "Bam!" in your face, with his heaviest Cajun breath?

Oh, and here are some picks for you to peruse ...

AZ at MIA - The Cards got to play a team worse than them last week, and promptly managed to blow it. I'm guessing they're going to make it two in a row. MIA.

DAL at CIN - Take Carson Palmer, add about a century and Voila! You've got Vinny Testaverde. Seriously though - they're both tall, immobile heisman trophy winners from big time college programs, drafted by perennial NFL doormats. Carson's a bit less greasy, though. CIN.

KC at TB - The Chiefs still aren't out of their hole, but at least they've gotten back to doing what they do well - concentrating on scoring gobs of points and not worrying about that whole "defense" thing. KC.

NYJ at BUF - Little known fact. Curtis Martin is a revolutionary war veteran. It's a major reason why the Patriots drafted him. NYJ.

OAK at CAR - You could start drawing comparisons between these two first-to-worst teams, but there's one important diffrence: The Panthers got hit by injuries, but the Raiders just plain quit. Did anyone really think bringing in Warren Sapp would help? OAK.

PHI at PIT - If only B.O. was the worst of T.O.'s problems. Before all is said and done, Philly will rue the day they signed the biggest jerk in the NFL. PIT.

WAS at DET - Yes, the Skins looked horrible last week. But I can't imagine the universe allowing the Lions to stay above .500 much longer. WAS.

CHI at NYG - Wow, last week's Bears-Niners game actually managed to be less interesting than advertised. NYG.

NO at SD - I'm not jumping on the Chargers bandwagon. But I will continue to tailgate closely behind them, as I have been doing for some time. SD.

SEA at SF - Last week was nadir time in San Fran. (Not to be confused with Nader time, the phenomenon that occurred in florida about four years ago) Against the pathetic Seahawks, the only place to go is up. Upset Special SF.

HOU at DEN - Wow, Denver. Giving up almost 50 points to a team that was dominated by Kansas City's defense. I will not pick you again this year. Unless you play someone who sucks. HOU.

NE at STL - People seem to think that the Pats' banged-up secondary will lead them to a loss here. For some reason, they're forgetting that Mike Martz holds a master's degree in big game chokeage. NE.

CLE at BAL - Ahh, we can always depend on the AFC north to provide an excellent "Game I Don't Care About of the Week". BAL.

MIN at Ind - Everyone's saying "shootout" for this one, but if the Vikings team that showed up last week shows up again, only one team will be shooting. Also, trotting out Moss to jog the first few plays each week just to keep his games played streak alive is weak. Powerful weak. IND.