Sunday, July 13, 2014

*** Apologies for the delay, technical difficulties were encountered

Hello once again and welcome to the 2014 Hattys! Let's talk about the year, shall we? Diligent watchers may have noticed the clear upward trajectory of nominee quality over the past decade, as the ceremony has grown from a backwoods shindig mostly attended by mustelids to today's hyperglobal extravaganza.  This growth has of course brought great joy to hatted and hatless fans alike, but there is a downside - no industry can sustain this level of explosive growth without what economists refer to as a "Market Correction", where the bubble hat bursts.  In this case, of course, we refer to a year of lower than expected quality in cinematic haberdashery.  However, The Academy, much like this well known hat enthusiast, is well equipped with the tools necessary to recover from the hatcession, and will begin deploying these tools tonight, in the form of this very award ceremony.  And we will be pulling out all the stops, by announcing each nominee in the form of the internet's most overused and abused poetic form, the haiku.

The Great Gatsby
Repulsive writers
cannot cover empty heads
But boaters sure can

we see much and contemplate
I have a helmet.

The Grandmaster
Work and time yield much
still the rain obeys neither
Simple, white Panama

The Internship
Porcelain towers
stay well removed yet welcome 
the spectral beanies 

The aged cannot leave
our destruction of syntax.
Fedora of straw.

And the envelope, please ... the recipient of award for Most Hat-Centric Movie of 2013 is The Internship.  You may have been critically panned for your general shoddiness in non-hat-related content, but The Academy is happy to ignore such trivialities.  Congratulations!